Sunday, September 15, 2013

A2 at 14 weeks

A2 is at one of my favorite baby stages right now.  he is still small enough to hold for long periods, he is soft and chubby, he wiggles enough to entertain himself a little, he can grab things, and he laughs, smiles, and coos.  if i could freeze him like this for another six months, i would.  holding him is pure joy and when he gets excited to see me, my heart could burst.

as far as sleeping though, A2 has been torture for about two weeks now.  from the time he came home from the hospital until two weeks ago, he only woke once at night to nurse.  i was delighted at how rested i felt and thought i had struck gold with a "good" sleeper.  HA.  two weeks ago, A2 began waking a minimum of three times to nurse, with restless periods in between.  he is sleeping in our room in a rock and play, which is not optimal, i know.  i tried for a week to get him to sleep in the mini-crib in our room, but he is difficult to get down in it and then wakes every 40-60 minutes until i give in and put him in the rock and play.  he is still swaddled as well, even though he seems to be fighting it more and more.

i have experimented with leaving his arms out, or just one arm out, but it makes him even more restless because he still startles sometimes and his arms wake him.  at this point, i am not sure what to do to improve things, beyond just waiting a week or two and trying the crib/arm(s) out of swaddle again. i know this is an area that will improve as he matures and we are able to put him in his own room, but it is still difficult to function on so little sleep. this is one of the reasons i am nervous to return to work tomorrow.  i am afraid i will be so tired that i will not be able to function.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

we bought a laptop a few hours ago and, after setup, updating the blog is my first task.  our second child, our son A.dam D.avid (A2), was born in early June.  the pregnancy and labor were much different than with A.melia (A).  i hope to write both birth stories in the near future.

i have been on maternity leave since about two weeks before A2 was born and will return to work on monday.  with A, i remember looking forward to my return to work, but this time around, i am dreading it.  A2 is a much different baby.  he is most comfortable with me, hates taking a bottle, and does not like anyone else to put him down for naps or bedtime.  P is awesome with him- as awesome as A2 will allow.  over the last three weeks, A2 has slowly improved his bottle skills, so i am hoping he will take full bottle feedings while i am in the office. 

P is taking his last month of paternity leave starting monday, so hopefully A2 will adjust to having someone else care for him and P will adjust to fielding two children at once all day while i am work.  up to now, due to nursing, when we are both home, P has been caring for A and i have been caring for A2.  when P would leave for work in the evening, i would then handle them both. once he returns to work in October, he will be with them during the day three days a week while i am in the office and i will be with them at night.  since i work from home two days a week, we will share parenting on those days.  our schedule is difficult because we are both with them alone much of the work week, but it allows us to keep them out of daycare.

A recently turned 2.  she is talking in short sentences now and is a pure delight- aside from the2-year-old drama of course.  A adjusted smoothly to the addition of A2 to the family and loves him.  she is always looking out for him: letting me know when he is up from his nap or crying, checking on him while i am getting dinner or moving laundry around, and making sure he is included in car trips. my favorite past time lately has been taking candid photos of the two of them.  seeing them together makes me so happy that my heart hurts.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

we never made it to that RE appointment on October 6th. a week after A's first birthday (September 6th), i had lots of ewcm and achy ovaries... having only ovulated a handful of times in my adult life (mostly with injectibles), i knew i was going to ovulate.  we found out that i had indeed ovulated on September 23 when an hpt came up positive... holy crap people. 

it's a funny story, because, i actually threw the test away because i thought it was negative.  i did not think it would really work and i was mentally prepared to return to ART in October.  P asked to see the test an hour or so after i took it and i told him i had tossed it.  this is very unlike me.  in the past, i would hold on to those suckers and squint at them for days (ok weeks) after.  like a nutjob.  P said he saw a faint line.  i was like pffffft ok, but sure enough, there it was.  i woke up at 4 AM the next morning to take another hpt, and the line was much easier to see. 

we are due June 4th and are having a boy.  part of me still cannot believe it.  we know how lucky we are to avoid fertility treatments this time around and are amazed that this is how so many people have babies.  it was painless.  it freaks me out, because i feel like it was too easy, but i am trying to just go with it and not let the worry creep in.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

We are going back to the RE on October 9th for a consultation.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Thoughts on TTC no. 2

My thoughts regarding trying for a second baby are complicated and difficult for me to sort out.  I have been trying to write this post for a while, and it is not coming together the way I want it to, but I am putting it out there anyway in an effort to begin to sort through this issue.

A is 8.5 months old.  P has been asking me how long I will continue breastfeeding her.  At first I thought it was because he was tired of the nursing at night and lactating boobs, but it turns out he has no problem with those things.  Instead, he is excited to try for another baby and thinks that my period is being kept away by breastfeeding.  His argument is that we are not getting any younger and that it took us two years to get pregnant the last time, so we should get started already!  This conversation took place about two weeks ago. 

Since then, we have been having sex as usual in the limited amount of time we have together on the weekends (due to us working opposite shifts during the week).  On Saturday morning, P asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test recently.  I was surprised by this question and asked him why I would do that.  He thought we were "trying" and that it is possible I might be pregnant.  This admission made me happy and sad.  Happy because I love that he loves fatherhood and is so excited about another baby and sad because he seems to think getting pregnant again will be easier than the first time.

Apparently, he has listened to those who tell us that now that I have had one baby, that it "kicked my body into gear" and that it will know how to get pregnant this time.  I would love for this to be true, but this kind of thinking is dangerous for any of us who have sought treatment for fertility problems.  The hope that this statement creates scares me.  I don't want to get sucked into the cycling and the treatments like I did last time.  I am afraid it will make me sad, tired, and depressed, and therefore negatively impact my Amelia.  The problem is, I don't know how to TTC without the baggage.

Stupidly, I took a pregnancy test Saturday morning.  It was negative of course.  I threw it away without feeling sad, which was only possible because, despite P thinking we were trying, I am not there yet.  We are definitely not preventing, but we are not really trying because I know what it will take to try again:  a call to the reproductive endocrinologist.  For now, we have agreed to have this conversation again in the fall after A turns one.  Currently, I would like to wait until A is closer to 2 before going back to the RE.  I want to give my body a break from fertility medications and pregnancy.  I want to nurse my baby until she is ready to stop on her own.  As much as I want another baby, I will not let my fear force me to start sooner than my little family is ready.

Friday, May 18, 2012

in which i b*tch

stuff that sucks:
  • the new blogger does not agree with my work internet browser and i cannot upgrade it... so you know, on the random day i actually have time to blog, i won't be able to.  also, hey blogger, your iphone app SUCKS and i hate blogging with it.
  • my house looks like a herd of wild beasts tore it apart after a tornado blew through.  A is army-crawling everywhere and i am afraid she will fill up on fuzzies and crumbs before dinner ;)  also... she could get lost under an avalanche of dirty or clean (who knows which at this point) in any given bedroom. 
  • feuding with one of my coworkers.  the feud is technically over, but he now hates me and it wears on me.  the backstory is too long and dumb to go into.  short story:  he dates a co-worker.  the co-worker is (was?) my friend.  they fight all the time and bring that crap into the office.  they use to take turns running in and out of my office with their drama.  in the end, i got burned trying to straddle the line between listening to them and giving advice without taking sides.  i feel like such an idiot because i know better than to get involved in that crap.  i guess i thought we were all adults and friends and could handle it.  i was wong.  now, besides trying to get my work done between pumping and exhaustion, i get to have anxiety about sharing an office wall with someone who thought it was ok to repay me for my efforts by yelling at me in my office that he doesn't like me.  i feel so stupid to have misjudged this person.  he seemed like such a friendly, nice, albeit emotional, guy and i thought we were good friends.  this feels like a middle school betrayal throw-back. 
  • i turned 30 a few weeks ago.  i don't have a problem with being 30, but i have a problem with being involved in the above drama at this point in my life.  it makes me feel like some kind of a failure.  also, i missed out on a promotion while i was on maternity leave, which isn't helping either.  i envisioned myself to be beyond these petty insecurities by 30. 
  • P has been bringing up getting pregnant again, which i am all for... this really needs to be a separate post.  and it will be.  i vow to write this post by sunday night!!!
  • money is stressng me out lately.  we seem to be cutting it very close between paychecks.  i am my sister's maid of honor and have dropped major $ on the shower, gifts for two showers, dress and alterations, shoes, and bachelorette party.  aside from that, we booked a vacation this summer with family that needed to be prepaid, we are putting a deck on our house, and both of our cars need tires.  ahhhhhhhh!  time for a m.egamillions ticket.
ok.  petty b*tching over.  it feels good to get it out.  now, on to my day! 

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Recent baby picture

I haven't disappeared, just struggling with finding a balance in my week. For now, here's a pic of A, who turns eight months tomorrow: