Thursday, December 30, 2010

third beta

It didn't double.

It was 862. I am scared.

Progesterone was 59.

The next beta is on Monday. These betas are killing me.

Monday seems so far away.


edited to add: I apologize for being such a freak lately- my emotions are just all over the place. I am going to try to keep the freaking out to a minimum (hah) and hope that it catches up for Monday's beta. I have a few posts in draft that are more substantial, but I just haven't been able to focus on them to get them out while this whole beta thing is going on. I didn't expect such a long series of them and it is totally throwing me off. Also, my apologies for the lack of commenting, I will try to get back on it soon, promise. Just know that I am reading and thinking about you guys.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

second beta

Yesterday's blood test was rescheduled for this morning because of massive amounts of snow.

beta #2 at 18 dpiui: 503. The nurse said that was good (doubling time 37.8 hours).

I was feeling good about it... until I started googling and am now worried about my beta numbers. Why the hell couldn't I have just stayed away from google? UGH.

*please God let everything be OK*

Thursday, December 23, 2010

first beta

beta: 57; progesterone was over 40. I am hoping those are good levels for 13 dpiui, but I am trying to stay away from google.

I am so happy and of course, so nervous. On Monday and Wednesday mornings I go for more blood work to make sure things are progressing as they should... please God let this be ok.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

the update

The digital went positive last night. I am in shock and feel kind of numb. I really don't think I believed all of the lines, so when the digital popped up "pregnant," I thought I was seeing things for at least 30 seconds.

The blood test is tomorrow at 9 AM. I will update again when I hear the results. Maybe this will settle in after the blood test.

Thank you for the thoughts and encouraging words- it means so much to me. Please know that I am cautiously excited and grateful.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

11 dpiui and we have spotting

not sure what is going on down there. after i saw the spotting this morning, i caved and tested. results: inconclusive.

two answers had light pink lines, didn't have to squint, but they were LIGHT, a CVS (blue dye) test had an obvious blue line, clear blue digital: NOT PREGNANT. all lines came up in way under 3 minutes.

this cycle has been so weird! despite the mixed results this morning, i am not freaking out. not excited, not negative... just "huh." i won't believe anything until i hear from the doctor on thursday morning.

Monday, December 20, 2010

10 dpiui and my resolve is weakening

My plan not to test before the blood test this Thursday is weakening. I am scared of a negative blood test the day before Christmas Eve, so I am thinking of easing myself into the negative by testing from tonight until Thursday. That way, I will handle the disappointment over a few days, rather than all at once.

I have no real expectations of a positive test, so I am like, "let's get this negative business over with."

Thoughts on waiting vs. testing early?

One thing I have stuck to this cycle: no symptom watching. Between the trigger and the progesterone suppositories, there is no point. Things have been much calmer on that front this time around.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

6 dpiui

Not much to report. Still feeling "meh" about this cycle. There is no urge to pee on stuff, which is such a blessing. At this point I don't think I will have a problem waiting until the blood test.

Sorry I haven't been commenting much lately- I have no words right now. It is so weird. I could talk to you about knitting, quilting, my cats, and poor productivity at work, but as for baby-cycling, I have nothing. My heart goes out to those struggling with disappointing and heartbreaking news and also to those newly pregnant, anxious IFers.

The more my own struggle goes on, the better I am with handling it, but it does not get easier necessarily. In fact, IF gets harder to deal with because it is complex, and at first, you are scared shitless, but it is just the tip of the iceberg. The longer the journey, the more heavy the burden to carry. I guess that is how I am feeling right now: weighed down and heavy. My focus is on getting to work, getting some (small) thing accomplished, and dragging myself home to get into bed.

Monday, December 13, 2010

2ww: 3dpiui

This is where we are... 3dpiui, which feels like nowhere. I am thankful to be here at all I guess, because as of last Wednesday and Thursday, it was possible that this cycle would be cancelled. Last week was a tough week, to say the least. In the end, after two days of coasting, there were two dominant/mature follicles.

But it's a new week, and while I can't promise to be positive, I can promise that I will stay as busy as possible. I am going to (try to) resist peeing on sticks until the blood test- which is all well and good for now, but as the days tick by, my resolve will weaken. I will be honest about cheating.

The blood test is on December 23 at 9:00 AM. Just in time for Christmas.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I have been a bad blogger lately. The truth is, I just don't have much to say that I haven't said before. I am in the middle of another cycle and will most likely have my third IUI on Friday. This time there is no excitement at all. I am dreading the holidays and dreading the negative test results that I feel sure will this cycle bring.

P wants me to try to be more hopefuly and positive, but for whatever reason right now, I just can't be. I have been keeping it to myself though, because when I am sad, he is sad, and that just makes me sadder.

I want to be one of the zen, positive, happy women who go through this with grace and hope until the positive test appears... although, I am not sure where I get that image from, because as far as I know I have never come across one.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

negative

Yesterday morning I had blood work done and it is official: I am not pregnant. I called in sick to work and spent the day wallowing and lying low.

About 15 minutes after the doctor's office called, my period started. I think the progesterone had held it at bay since at least Saturday, because I had some very, very light spotting.

I will be catching up with blogs and commenting throughout the week. I hope everyone is doing well.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Just wanted to quickly update: no news. On 12 dpiui (the day before thanksgiving), two different pregnancy tests were negative. I think that means I'm out. P is holding out hope for the blood test on Monday, which is sweet, but it makes me sad. He is hunting until Sunday, and even though I promised not to, I think I might pick up a few more tests for tomorrow morning (15 dpiui). That way I can be more sure of the blood test outcome and can prepare him. I hate that he is going to be disappointed.

I hope everyone is having a good holiday week.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Welcome Nomember ICLW

Hi everyone! My name is Mare and my husband is P. We have been trying to have a baby for a year now and this is my place to deal with the emotional roller coaster that is infertility. This is my second ICLW. I did October ICLW and really enjoyed finding new blogs and leaving and getting support.

Currently, I am in the two week wait after my second IUI/first injectibles cycle. The two week wait started off positively, but since last week, I have been headed downhill emotionally. I do have some symptoms (which I shared below), but for some reason I just don't feel like it worked. P thinks I am pregnant though, which is so sweet, but will make me very sad if my period shows up.

Symptoms: My boobs have been very sore since about last Friday (7 dpiui) and that continued through the weekend. My areolas are puffy and slightly darker. I am exhausted and NEED naps in the afternoon. I have had frequent headaches, which is unusual for me.

These symptoms are not reliable though because I have not ovulated in the past year (PCOS) since I have been off of birth control.... so these very well may be normal for me. I am taking progesterone, so I worry that these symptoms are just a side effect, although I did not have them at all until 7 dpiui... so maybe not (such a mindf*ck). I am trying to hold out on testing until Wednesday (13 dpiui).

Good luck to everyone and thanks for stopping by!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

progesterone suppositories are the new hot accessory for the fall (TMI warning)

The suppositories are either really disgusting or not that bad, and I have not decided which yet. Either way, I was excited to start them on Saturday morning... along the lines of being excited to inject myself.

The fact that I need them, means I ovulated and that something might be going on down there, even as I type. Last Friday, after the IUI, Dr. M said there was no chance that I did not ovulate. He said my blood work was "beautiful." There was one dominant follicle, and a second one that may or may not have released an egg.

One concern I have with the progesterone: it seems like a good bit of it ends up on my liner and I am worried that I am not absorbing enough of it.

Monday, November 15, 2010

updates

Sorry for the delay- lots of family drama going on since last week. A story for another day.

The good news: my cycle did NOT get cancelled and IUI #2 was on Friday! Dr. M told me that my blood work and ultrasounds were great and that he would be very surprised if I did not get pregnant this cycle!

P was not happy that our RE told me that because he is worried about how I will be if this cycle does not work. I am trying very hard to keep things in perspective and not get too excited. This is the first cycle in a year where pregnancy has even been possible and I cannot expect it to happen just because I have been waiting for so long.

. . . . . . . . . .

I can't hide it from you guys: I am so excited and really think this is it! If it isn't, I will deal with it of course, but for now, I am going to enjoy this feeling.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I have been a little distant from blogland over the past few days because my anxiety levels have been running high. I had a monitoring appointment yesterday, and things look good so far, but I have a bunch of follicles around the same size and the RE warned me that if too many mature, then the IUI will be cancelled.

Tomorrow morning I have another monitoring appointment and will post afterwards.

Please don't let this cycle be a bust too... this month marks one year off birth control and one year of anovulation (except for possibly one cycle).

. . . . . . . . . .

I got a letter from my insurance company last week and starting January of 2011, fertility drugs will not be covered if the end result is IUI or IVF.

fml.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Last night's injection did not go nearly as smoothly as the first! I guess the universe got me for being all "what's the big deal." First of all, I nearly forgot to do the injection. Around 9:00 I realized I hadn't taken the pen out of the refrigerator and started freaking out because the night before I took it at 8:30.

After some mad g.oogling, I was satisfied that an hour difference would not make or break my cycle. I let the injection sit out for about 30 minutes to warm up before using it (this time I left it out so I don't have to worry about it being cold). I put my second injection into my thigh, but I think I injected it too far down on my leg and was in mostly muscle, which hurt.

Then, as I was scrambling to put pressure on my leg to keep it from bleeding all over (I am a bleeder folks), I jabbed myself in the finger with the needle. It was not a pretty scene for a few minutes there. Eventually I managed to get the situation under control, but just as I was putting everything away, my cat knocked the sharps container off of the end table and it shattered everywhere. Not a good second injection.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The first injection

was so easy.

The instructions to use the pen were very clear and I did not feel the needle go in, even though I injected myself. There was a little burn after, when I rubbed the injection site with an alcohol pad and applied pressure for a minute, but that was it.

So far, I have not felt any weird side effects. I hope follistim does not make me as crazy as clomid did. On Monday I will find out if/when I start the ganirelix. There is an ovidrel shot for trigger and progesterone suppositories (can't wait) for after the IUI.

Next week, I have Thursday and Friday off from work and it would be pretty awesome if the IUI fell on one of those days. I have no idea how fast the follistim works though, so I might be out of luck.

The best part of injections: the hershey kisses on top of the pile of drugs when you open the box!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

injectibles virgin

Tonight I stab myself for the first time! I am really excited. My first monitoring appointment is on Monday morning. This time, I am letting myself get openly excited and hopeful. The people closest to P and I know what we are beginning and have been a great support so far.

My aunt is a labor and delivery nurse and is going to help me with my first shots tonight. Two of my friends have volunteered to come over and inject me if I needed them to, since P works night shift and won't be home when I need the injections.

In other news, I have started a modified s.lim f.ast "diet." I just could not force myself to count W.eight W.atcher points, so I cancelled my membership. Yesterday morning I started s.lim f.ast and only plan to do it four days of the week. Over the last two weeks I have been eating my feelings, which has left me feeling like shit. Yesterday I really stuck to it and I already feel better today.

In the meantime, I am looking into a PCOS diet (discussed here) to begin next week. I couldn't do it right away because I need to shop for things I can eat while avoiding sugars, anything made out of wheat and oats, and foods that grow underground (goodbye sweet potato, I will miss you)... basically I have to figure out what I CAN eat, because my diet seems to revolve around sugar and carbs.

Monday, November 1, 2010

injectibles consult and news

The consult was fine. It was quick and the nurse did a great job of delivering the instructions clearly. She explained how much the drugs would cost, that my insurance would not cover them, and that the office had some drugs that they could donate to my cause. The nurse told me that she would call the drugs into the pharmacy and that the pharmacy would call for my insurance information. She took some blood and sent us on our way.

I felt relieved after the appointment, but sick to my stomach over the cost of the drugs, even with the help from donated medications.

A few hours later, the pharmacy called for my info. While I was in T.arget with a friend, they called me back to tell me my total: my insurance covered EVERYTHING!!! My copay was $100... that's it. I asked her to repeat it twice because I thought I was hearing her incorrectly, and then when she assured me I was hearing her right, I burst into tears and full on ugly cried in the middle of the makeup aisle at T.arget.

I feel so thankful. I still can't believe this.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Although I am doing a good job of keeping myself very busy this week... I still had this overall inpatient, unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. So, I decided to call my RE's office and heckle them with some questions. I got my blood work levels from before and after the IUI and sounded stressed enough that the nurse offered to squeeze me in on Monday for the injectibles consultation!

So, instead of Monday, November 8th, I will be learning how to stab myself on Monday, November 1st! This is awesome.

Ok, back to distracting myself...

Monday, October 25, 2010

There is not much to report. I kept myself busy all weekend with family and am ready to make this week a better week. My focus this week will be to finish this month on a high note at work and fill my evenings with quilting, knitting, and some much needed housework.

Sorry for being MIA with comments- I will be catching up today and this evening!

Thanks for the support, it has been a bright spot during a hard couple of days.

Friday, October 22, 2010

notta

Dr. M just called with this morning's blood work results: no ovulation.

Pointless IUI. Pointless symptom watching. I feel so stupid for being secretly excited.

He wants me to move on to injectibles. My injectible consult is on November 8th.

I am so upset. This is the first time I have cried at my desk and I am afraid someone will walk in (like a Judge.... so professional). I think I might leave early so I can go home and get in bed.

I know this isn't the end of the world, it just feels like it right now.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

October ICLW- Welcome

Hello! This is my first ICLW and I am really excited to be participating.

P (husband) and I got married in September of 2009 and stopped taking birth control pills in November of 2009. I got my first period at the end of December/beginning of January. I got three more periods and then nothing... for 98 days. I started temping halfway through the never ending cycle. At that point, my fears that this getting pregnant thing would be harder than I hoped were confirmed, and I went to my OBGYN. Dr. W told me that I probably had PCOS, but would need some tests to confirm. I took provera to end the long cycle.

I started 50 mg of clomid during the next cycle and did not ovulate. 100 mg of clomid did not work either. Dr. W recommended I see an RE, Dr. M. It was difficult for me to make the first appointment because it was all getting real very quickly, but once I did, and I went, I felt so much better. He told me to put down the thermometer and step back from the research. I finally felt like someone was going to work on this problem besides myself and that things would get rolling.

He looked at my ovaries and blood work and confirmed the PCOS diagnosis. He prescribed 150 mg of clomid for seven days. Last Wednesday I went in for a follicle check and I had one mature follicle at 23 mm. Dr. M recommended an IUI the following day. When we arrived for the IUI, Dr. M informed us that my blood work showed lower estrogen than he would have liked and asked me to come in at the end of next week (tomorrow) for blood work to make sure I ovulated.

Sorry if this was a jumbled mess- I should have prepared something last night instead of right now, before I start working! Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to checking out all of your blogs!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I felt more relaxed yesterday and even more so today. The insane googling has stopped, as well as the symptom analyzing. I am trying to accept that either I ovulated or I didn't, and obsessing over it will not change what happened. On Friday, I will know a lot more about the chances of this IUI working when I get my progesterone level checked. Until then, I will do my best to push this out of my mind and focus on my day to day and doing some freaking WORK at work.

. . . . . . . . . .

P and I talked about the issue with "relations" that we encountered last Friday. He beat me to the punch and brought it up himself. He told me he felt like crap all day on Friday when he woke up and realized what had happened that morning. He promised to make a bigger effort in the future and to do his part in this. It was good to hear him acknowledge my feelings and admit he was wrong. He also thanked me for everything I have been doing to get pregnant and said that sometimes he feels bad because he knows it is all on me. Needless to say, I cried.

In general, P is a very understanding and loving husband, but I was pretty surprised that he brought the topic up and said everything I wanted him to say. Because, let's face it, guys usually do not say what we would say to us if we were them.

. . . . . . . . . .

Okay, back to work I go. Not to FF forums or google...

Monday, October 18, 2010

4 dpiui and feeling the crazy

I am so NOT a graceful waiter. What is happening:

- stalking blogs (like checking ALL of them 5 thousand times even if there is no new post)
- reading all comments on said blogs
- googling stupid crap (such as 4 dpo symptoms... implantation at 4 dpo... REALLY?)
- wondering if I ovulated
- bouncing from feeling positive to negative every five minutes
- reading all posts on all FF forums

What is not happening:

- feeling zen
- work
- sanity

Feel free to knock some sense into me as I am currently SICK of myself.

Friday, October 15, 2010

no relations for you

Dr. M recommended that we have "relations" (just call it sex doc) this morning. P basically refused. He works nights, and worked a 12 hour shift last night. He had been sleeping for about 3 hours when I woke him up to "relate." He was all "I'm just too tired, I'm sorry" and rolled back over and was out.

I get that he is tired, but I am really hurt. I cried a little and then got my butt ready for work. The rollercoaster just does not seem to end. There is always something happening to make me feel like things aren't going to work out. It is like I am doing emotional interval training.

My plan is to not fight with P about this. This weekend I plan to talk to him about it and explain that if we are going to do this, then he needs to suck it up and do his part. If he is changing his mind and feeling overwhelmed by this process then I need to know. And if that is the case, I will be upset, but I will understand, because I am overwhelmed too.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

post first iui

Since we got home from the appointment I have been trying to compose a post about how it went. I feel all sorts of weird about it. It went quickly, P's sperm count was 67 million (good I think), it didn't hurt, and P held my hand.

Right before the IUI, Dr. M said that my estrogen level (they took blood yesterday) was a little lower than he thought it would be and that he would like me to come in the end of next week to have my progesterone levels checked to make sure I ovulated. He could tell that I immediately started freaking out and assured me that if he was VERY concerned he would have cancelled the IUI. He told me that he has had plenty of patients get pregnant with much lower estrogen levels than what mine were.

I am trying not to be upset and negative, but, it feels like I have been holding in tears all day since Dr. M mentioned my estrogen levels being low. I was relieved when P went to work so I could stop smiling and go to bed and mope.

Don't get me wrong, I am still hopeful and cautiously excited... but back to waiting to see if ovulated, as usual. I was looking forward to my first two week wait. Now I have another one week ovulation wait, and then a one week wait to test.

God, I am such a whiner.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

IUI scheduled for tomorrow!*

The appointment went well. I had one mature follicle on my left ovary that was 22 mm, and a bunch of 10, 9, 8, and 6 mm follicles on both. Dr. M offered us three options: 1. go home and have timed intercourse; 2. hcg trigger with timed intercourse; or 3. hcg trigger with IUI. Dr. M felt that the IUI was the best option, especially because I have had no cervical fluid at all on this dose of clomid, and because I only responded with one mature follicle. Dr. M said that often, women who respond with only one mature follicle, they might not respond at all in the next cycle.

At first, we decided to do the trigger and timed intercourse. We discussed it more as we waited to get the hcg trigger and changed our minds. We are doing the IUI tomorrow. We drop the specimen off at 9 AM and will get the IUI at 10:45. We both felt that we should give our one egg the best shot possible. Also, with our opposite work schedules, timed intercourse is difficult. It usually works out, but it is pretty stressful. This way, we can be sure that there is plenty of sperm waiting.

Overall, I am happy with what happened. To be honest, I was hoping for a few more mature follicles, but am obviously relieved that I responded at all.

I am going to work for the rest of the day and will request the day off for tomorrow.

. . . . . . . . . .

*edited to add:

The hcg trigger hurts like a b*tch. My whole side-arse is throbbing!

My lining measured at 9.3. I have no idea what that means. Just wanted to make sure I recorded it!

Since the appointment this morning I have been feeling grateful. I am grateful for my one mature follicle, that my insurance allows me to see an RE, and that we can afford an IUI. A few months ago, a $400 procedure would not have been possible. Thank god for P's new job!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

RE appointment #2 tomorrow and "when are you two getting started"

Tomorrow morning at 7:30 I have an appointment with the RE for a follicle check. I am so nervous. I requested the entire day off because if I did not respond to the clomid, I am not sure I will feel up to working.

Tomorrow is kind of a big deal. The RE told us that if I did not respond to this round of clomid it was on to injectibles and that opens a whole new can of worms (not covered by insurance, PCOS patients have a tendency to hyperstimulate, which one reason so many PCOS patients require IVF, etc.). I have been trying not to focus on that though and just stay positive that the clomid worked.

P is going with me to the appointment. I feel bad having him get up after only sleeping for five hours, but last time I was so nervous I wouldn't have been able to drive, so I really need him.

. . . . . . . . . .

This last weekend was a rough one. P's brother got married on Sunday. It was a simple, beautiful outdoor ceremony. Of course, there was a lot of family in town for the wedding.

Both of P's brother, including the one that was getting married, have babies.

Lots of family + other siblings have kids + we are married = at least four people asking me when P and I were going to "get started."

That question has never hurt me before. Before when people asked me those questions I would just blush and laugh and say something like "oh, soon, we are just enjoying being married... blah blah blah." But this time, I responded by acting like I didn't want kids. I was all "oh, no thanks, not for us, we don't need rugrats... diapers, gross."

I was surprised at myself for saying these things. It couldn't be further from the truth! I guess as more time goes on, the more I want to have a baby, and the more afraid I am that it isn't going to happen. Maybe I am just protecting those feelings by pushing people away from the topic.

Or maybe I am just a coward.

Friday, October 8, 2010

ow

During lunch a co-worker (we'll call her Kelly) and I walk around Philly for an hour or so. Today, while walking, I noticed that my lower back was aching and cramping like when I have my period. At first, I kind of freaked out because I thought my period was coming, which would have meant that my body was completely ignoring the clomid!

I tried to pay attention to what Kelly was saying, but really I was obsessing about my back cramps. Then I realized that there was quite a bit of pressure and achiness in my lower abdomen, on the right and left, radiating into my hip area.

The achiness and pressure continued through the afternoon and evening, both in my back and in my lower abdomen, on the right and left.

Of course, I won't know anything until my ultrasound next Wednesday, but I know I have never felt anything quite like this before. So maybe this is good? Maybe this means ovulation is going to happen?

(p.s.: I went to w.eight w.atchers and I lost a pound! It's small, but it's progress!)

edited to add: I took my last dose of clomid last night (150 mg for 7 days).

Thursday, October 7, 2010

b*tchiness continues

And now, there are six ultrasound photos hanging on the OUTSIDE of the pregnant woman's cubicle. I try not to stare at them every time I walk by, but I can't help it.

I feel like an @$$hole because instead of greeting this woman in the morning, I avert my gaze and walk by as quickly as possible. I don't feel any animosity toward her, but I do NOT wish to talk with her about her pregnancy, look at her ultrasound photos, or eat her munchkins.

Miss Ruby nailed it in her comment on my last post when she said that dealing with IF/RPL/fertility challenges stops normality. It really does.

I feel like a freak. No one in real life understands me anymore. My friends have no clue how I feel and my family, whom I am very close to, don't get it either. My Mom was shocked when I referred to my SIL as "fertile" in the same tone that I would refer to her as "idiot." She got annoyed with me and told me that I can't hold a person's fertility against them... and she's right, but I still do it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

munchkins*

Munchkins from d.unkin d.onuts are little pieces of edible love and happiness (except for the powdered ones... what a let down).

After today, the munchkin is dead to me.

My office recently hired nine people. The one girl looked suspiciously... PREGNANT. Like, at least five months. I thought to myself, "Self, you are being paranoid. Stop being a bitch and staring at that poor fat girl's stomach."

Today, as I walk by this person's cubicle, she has a SIGN hanging on the outside wall announcing, "IT'S A BOY." Beneath the sign was a little table with napkins, a box of munchkins, and a smaller sign that said "take one."

I did not.


*edited to add: This is in no way directed toward any of the lovely pregnant women whose blogs I follow and love. Just a little melodramatic rant.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

work (and apparently other stuff...)

My productivity is still not where it needs to be. Alex gave me a great suggestion (thank you): to set an egg timer for 15 minutes, and work, and then set it for 15 minutes, and not work. It helped me put in two good days at work, and often, once I had worked for 15 minutes, I found that I did not want to stop when the time was up.

This week, I am being so obstinate that I haven't even tried the timer thing... it's like my brain is incapable of focusing on one thing for longer than half a second. I don't like feeling like this. It is like I am not in control.

I think I am depressed. It is a secret because I have told no one in real life. I am not interested in things that normally interest me, and I spend most nights after work just hoping the time passes... I have no idea why I want this to happen though, because I have not been sleeping well, and I dread going to work every morning.

It is not a specific feeling of sadness, just a heaviness that clings to my heart and my limbs, making it nearly impossible to do anything beyond the absolutely necessary. Dishes have not been done on a regular basis in a while now. Laundry. Bills. Budget. Clutter. The list goes on.

The predominant feeling is anxiety. Sitting in the core of my chest, causing tightness and an odd light headed feeling.

Overall, I have felt better since my RE appointment last Monday. I guess I just expected all the sadness and anxiety to lift right after the appointment. It is lingering longer than I had hoped.

(notice this post started off about work)

Friday, October 1, 2010

new cycle

I just heard from the RE's office. My bloodwork showed that I did not ovulate on 100 mg of clomid last cycle. I am starting the 150 mg for seven days today! I have an appointment on October 13th for an ultrasound to check for follicles.

The nurse told me to count today as CD 1. It is so awesome that I don't have to wait for a period or take provera to cause one.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

P and I shared a moment this past weekend. A moment we had not experienced before as a couple. We were at dinner on Sunday night and an adorable family of four were seated in the booth next to ours. The baby boy was about 3 months and was still in his carrier. The baby girl was about 3 and wanted to go to the bathroom again and again because she liked the hand soap.

Neither of us commented on the family, but I knew we were both very aware that they were there. We were both paying close attention to them, but were trying to act like we weren't.

Then, at the same time, we looked each other in the eyes, and I asked him if he ever felt... and he interrupted me and said, "like there is something missing?"

We both teared up and just sat in silence for a minute or two. I told him I had been feeling that way for a few months now. P said he has been feeling that way for the past few weeks. We both always knew we wanted children with each other, and have been trying to conceive in some capacity since last November when we went off the pill, but have only recently become physically aware of what is missing.

This moment was not a sad one, but a bittersweet, hopeful one. I felt closer to my husband after this brief exchange than ever before. It was fitting that this would take place the night before our first RE appointment. When we arrived at the office yesterday afternoon, we walked in, our hands joined tightly, with a shared goal.

Monday, September 27, 2010

RE = awesome

It went really well. P and I both liked the doctor immediately. Dr. M. officially diagnosed me with PCOS. As soon as he saw my ovaries on ultrasound, he said, "You definitely have PCOS by the way." There were around 20 visible follicles on each ovary. None of the follicles were over 4 mm. Dr. M. is confident that I did not ovulate on 100 mg of clomid, but ordered bloodwork to make sure.

Here's the plan: Get the bloodwork in the morning and wait to hear from his office. Once I get a call from his office I will take 150 mg of clomid for seven days. He wants to try one more month of a higher dose of clomid taken over a longer period of time to see if I will respond before moving on to injectibles. He said I will be going in on certain days of my cycle after beginning the clomid to have my follicles checked and blood drawn.

All of my questions were answered before I could even ask them, so after giving my history, he completely took over. The best part of the visit was when he told me to stop charting and relinquish the reins to him. Sounds great to me. For the first time in months I came home and did not stare at my chart. Instead, I worked on my quilting project and cooked. I haven't cooked in weeks!

Just before the ultrasound, I started having some irrational and stupid fears. I was worried that my ovaries would be perfectly fine, that there would be evidence that I had ovulated, and that I was pregnant. These feelings came out of no where and really pissed me off. Why the hell would I hope those things did not happen? But, of course, my fear was unfounded, and I felt oddly relieved. I am losing it apparently.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

RE appointment tomorrow

Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I am feeling nervous and excited! The initial appointment is 1.5 hours and will involve an ultrasound and bloodwork. It feels weird to be so excited about a doctor's appointment that will involve a paper gown... but I really am!

I will update tomorrow after the appointment.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

the next step

I just made an appointment for next Monday with an RE. Excited and nervous.

In the meantime, I am going to actually try to work at work. Last week was an embarrassment. Being unable to work just further stresses me out and I have figured out that I am unable to work because I can't stop obsessing about what is going on inside my body. Hopefully treating with an RE will give me more insight into whether my ovaries are responding to medication more quickly and definitively than charting and waiting blindly for a period or a temperature shift- which, will lead to more work getting done at work? I really hope so, because being unemployed just isn't an option.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

first anniversary

Yesterday was mine and P's first anniversary! We went into P.hilly for the night and stayed until today. We went to dinner, had some drinks, walked around the city, and had some of our wedding cake. It was so nice to stay in a nice hotel and forget about things for a while, even if it was literally ten minutes from our house. This morning we slept in, ordered room service for breakfast, walked along the water at P.enn's L.anding and took a slow ride home.

As we got closer to home, I felt the anxiety and stress creeping back in. It was so nice to be free from it for a while, but it was here waiting for me when I got back. My temperature still has not gone up and I feel like my premonition is coming true: 100 mg of clomid is not going to make me ovulate. Of course, there is a small possibility that ovulation might occur in the next few days, but I am on cd 18 and it does not seem likely. I will keep up hope though and try to keep a positive outlook.

Although I am struggling with emotions this afternoon, the weekend was great. P is such a loving, patient and supporting spouse. I feel so blessed to be his wife. Marriage has been such a positive part of my life, just like I knew it would be with him.

I would give anything to be able to make him a father. It really hurts that I haven't had a chance.

Friday, September 17, 2010

broken record

My body and emotions are like a broken record.

Body: Like a record that keeps skipping, my body keeps trying to ovulate. This morning marks three mornings in a row of positive opks. At this point, I think the F.irst R.esponse opks are too sensitive for me. I have read that women with PCOS can have elevated LH levels, which I think I do, and that opks are not good predictors of ovulation. As for the chart, I had a huge temp drop yesterday with a small 0.2 degree (F) rise this morning. Last night and this morning, for the first time, I have had good amounts of eggwhite cervical fluid. The jury is still out on ovulation. In a few more days I will know for sure.

Emotions: I DON'T WANT TO WAIT A FEW MORE DAYS I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON NOW I HATE WAITING AND NOT KNOWING. This cycle started off peacefully and I was determined not to obsess. I was doing well with stress management... until this morning. When that damn opk turned positive... instead of the excitement I felt the last two mornings, I started feeling this cold edge of anxiety creep in. What if I just have too much LH? What if FR opks are too senstive? The presence of the fertile cervical fluid just confused me.

chart.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

possible positive opk on cd 14

Last night I had an almost positive first response opk at 8:00 pm. This morning at 7:15 am* I had a definite positive first response opk, but a negative internet (cheap ass) strip. I will test again when I get home from work around 7:30 pm and see what happens!

There is conflicting info about whether fmu can be used for opks. The first response instructions indicate that you can use them at any time of day, but fertility friend indicates that fmu might give a false positive result on an opk. Time will tell I guess. If I can figure out how, maybe I will include some pictures, in case there are other people doing opks who would like to stare at them and obsess (not that I do that ever).

If anyone has any insight on opks and when to test, or the effectiveness of different brands, please comment away! Last month I used only cheap internet opks and never got anything close to positive and never got a thermal shift on my chart, so my experience with them is very limited.

*Just in case it matters, I did the opk at 7:15 am, but had gotten up to pee earlier at 2:30 am, so it wasn't super concentrated fmu.

. . . . .

I had an appointment with my obgyn Dr. W on Monday night. For once, it went really well. This time I actually got to see Dr. W, with whom I was scheduled, instead of some random doctor. I told her I was not thrilled that I saw a different doctor last time and explained that last cycle was the most stressed out about ttc I have ever been and not seeing the doctor I was scheduled with did not help the situation. She apologized and was really nice about it, thank goodness. She listened patiently to me talk about my chart, metformin, etc., and answered all of my questions.

Basically, that office does not offer anything more than three months of unmonitored clomid. She recommended two REs and wants me to see one of them if I don't get pregnant this cycle. It is insane to hear her say 'get pregnant' in terms of the cycle 'working', because at this point, if I could just ovulate, I would consider the cycle a success. That will definitely wear off after a few cycles of ovulating and no positive hpt, but for now, I would just like to know my body can ovulate.

Friday, September 10, 2010

back from a little break

On Friday, September 3rd, I went away for a little vacation. P stayed home because he is not yet able to take time off from the new job. I went with my parents, sister, and sister's fiance to our fishing cottage in Canada. Even though it was rainy and cold the whole time we were there, it was so relaxing. Our cabin is rustic. There is no electricity or plumbing. The lake is right outside the front door. A person has no choice but to relax while there.

In a way, I am lucky the weather wasn't the best because it allowed me to catch up on my sleep without feeling guilty. Last week was my first week trying to sleep while P worked 2nd shift. Sleeping did not come easily and by Friday I felt like a zombie. By the time I got back from vacation on Wednesday, I felt human again and more like myself than I have felt in quite a few weeks.

. . . . .

Yesterday I finished taking the 100 mg of clomid. I accidentally started it on cd 4, so this month I took it cd 4-8, instead of cd 5-9. I hope that taking it one day earlier does not hurt my chances to O.

I did not temp the whole time I was away and I must say, it was awesome. I really like temping because I am a control freak and temping makes me feel like I am doing something... buuuuuut on the other hand, I stress about what tomorrow's temp will be and spend too much time staring at mine and other people's charts. I think if I could actually O, that I would calm the heck down about the temps and chart-staring in future cycles.

. . . . .

I can't remember if I mentioned it in my last post (and I am too lazy/tired to check), but I started a quilting class last week! This past Wednesday was my second class and so far I am loving it. My aunt and I are taking it together and we are meeting some cool people. I leave class feeling very zen, as if I just did two hours of yoga! I am also excited to be making some friends in the area, since it is clear with mine and P's jobs that we will be staying in S. Jersey indefinitely.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Hello full flow! The winning answer regarding the mystery spotting: it was the beginning of my "period" after an annovulatory cycle.

I dropped off my prescription for 100 mg clomid this morning.

The positive: I did not need to take provera to bring on a period this time and I have gained more insight into charting. Jenn gave me some great advice to deal with FF and my inconsistent temping times.

The negative: 50 mg clomid did not make me ovulate and I am afraid clomid isn't going to work at all (gut feeling). Also, having very painful boobs and extreme fatigue in the week leading up to this period was a huge mind f*ck and pink evap lines 0n internet hpts hurt like hell. Realizing that I have definitely not ovulated in the last five months, and most likely since January, scared the crap out of me.

Conclusion: In future cycles, I need to try not to obsess over symptoms so much, because with PCOS, there are always going to be symptoms. I am going to make a herculean effort to not pee on anything/dip anything until well after a CLEAR ovulation.

The more of this fight that I face, the less it freaks me out. It is like anything else new or scary that a person would experience; the new scariness wears off and you just start dealing with it. I am hoping that the upcoming cycle will be less emotional and more about getting down to business.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

.... spotting? cramping? crazy-making? YES YES AND YES

...so FF put the CH back up on August 18th (cd 31) after I put my temp in this morning. This afternoon has brought cramping, low back pain/aches, and spotting. My boobs are hurting more too. Ladies, what the heck is going on in my nether regions? There are three options: 1) I am ovulating and it is a violent one; 2) AF is starting after an annovulatory cycle; or, 3) Implantation is occurring on 13 dpo (or ?? dpo since my chart is a mess).

Here is said chart. (please no lectures on timing, BDing, temping etc., I know, I get it, the VIP guides have DEFINITELY chided me on this, but, I have experienced that when you are stressed, emotional, and dealing with new found insomnia, it is really hard to temp after three hours of sleep AND at the same time every morning- and BDing every other day for an eleventy thousand day cycle? FAIL.).

Also, welcome to my crappy BDing, cervical fluid pattern, and TMI details of symptoms!

Monday, August 30, 2010

a new week

In all my negativity, I forgot to mention some positive stuff that has happened recently: P got a new job and he starts this week! This job pays more than double what he was previously making and will make us much more financially stable! We are so thankful for this job.

Of course there is a BUT! Here it is: the job is second shift. I work first shift. I will miss him so, so much every night after work. It won't be as bad at I think it will be, I am sure, once I get used to coming home and getting dinner by myself and going to bed by myself; however, this past weekend, it was just another thing getting me down. Today I struggled not to cry whenever I thought about walking through the door and him not being home.

This week is a brand new week and I plan to try to be more positive and hopeful. With Jeff not home every night, it will be easier for me to eat healthy and get in more workouts. It will (hopefully) force me to get some things done around the house, craft projects completed, and books read.

. . . . . . . . . .

It is cd 43 currently and my chart is INSANE. Fertility friend is NOT my friend. The main "tuner" put the crosshairs up for August 18th again after I put in this morning's temp (they had been taken away for a while). I really think an August 18th ovulation is unlikely at this point. I think I may have ovulated Saturday... but, only a few more temps will tell.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

it was definitely an evaporation line

4 internet hpts, one clear blue easy digital, and two first response tests later, I have confirmed what I already knew: I have just experienced my first light pink evap line on an internet hpt.

It hurt.

I am sorry for how super negative my last post was. Last night I had a huge melt down. I cried to myself. I cried to my husband. I cried to my mom.

After crying and screaming and stomping and possibly throwing my naive purchase of what to expect out into the road, I got on the treadmill and walked furiously for 30 minutes. It was only 30 minutes and maybe 2 miles, but it made me feel so much better. The aggression and anger had dissipated and I was better able to figure out what was eating me alive: I realized that I have not ovulated in 5 months (possibly longer, but I only know for sure about the last five months).

That means I haven't even gotten the chance to get pregnant. All the charting, and timed sex, and stress has been for nothing and it makes me so angry.

I have not made an appointment with an RE yet, and I am not quite sure why I have not done it. I have had some great recommendations (thank you Lis). I think I am just scared of what they will say and what I will have to do. In my heart I am still harboring a hope that I can magically ovulate and get pregnant without making that step.

So for now, I am trying to reduce my intake of sugar and carbs and adding at least three 30 minute cardio workouts per week. When I figure out how, I am going to include a weight ticker in my sidebar to keep myself accountable.

Friday, August 27, 2010

short update- cd 40

I am writing this short update to commit myself to blogging more this weekend. I have not been doing well emotionally these last few weeks and I have no outlet. Blogging makes me feel better. I have been avoiding it because my emotions are all over the place and I struggle with feeling that I am being irrational. We have not been trying for a significant amount of time, so I tell myself that I should not be this upset. But I really, really am. And I need to find a way to deal with it because I am getting eaten alive by my out of control emotions.

I am on cd 40 and my chart does not indicate ovulation. Of course, I convinced myself that I ovulated last Wednesday (cd 31) because of some "ovulation pain" and other symptoms. Also because last Wednesday was the 9 year anniversary of my brother's death. I am embarrassed of this pathetic hope. (Wow I am having trouble typing about this right now, too much for work hours.)

Along the lines of my pathetic convincing and deal making, I took a cheap internet HPT last night and got a faint, almost not there pink line, the same width as the control line. Super. Same thing this morning. I know I either dipped it for too long or looked at it too long after the time frame indicated by the instructions... because with the way my chart looks, there is no way it could be possible and I hate myself for thinking that it is. To keep up the torture, I am of course going to buy some FRERs and clear blue digitals on my lunch hour.

Anyway, this is where I am at and now that I have put it out there, maybe I can accomplish something before the end of my workday.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

The week in review

This week sucked. My OBGYN appointment on Tuesday went terribly. I did not end up seeing Dr. W. At the last minute, a new doctor came in to check my ovaries, which in that practice meant a pelvic exam.

This new doctor obviously had not looked at my chart before she came into the room. She had no idea why I was there until I told her. I asked if someone could actually look at my ovaries to make sure there weren't any cysts because of some symptoms I had been having. New doctor refused to do an ultrasound, even though the stupid machine was RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR (because I told the nurse I would be asking for one!). She said that they did ultrasounds to check for cysts after three months on clomid... my mouth kind of dropped open at that. I told her I have a history of cysts and irregular, very painful, long, heavy periods and would feel better taking clomid again if my ovaries were checked for cysts. She didn't really answer.

Next I asked about metformin. She told me that taking metformin would not help me because "studies showed clomid was the best drug for PCOS patients." When I asked about further diagnostics, such as checking my glucose levels for insulin resistance, she told me that was "old fashioned." I have no clue what that means.

When I showed her my chart, which the horrible nurse practitioner told me to bring in when I got my ovaries checked, she looked at it like it was Greek and told me that I could stop temping because it was inaccurate. She told me to use OPKs instead. I told her I was using them already and had not gotten a positive yet. She told me maybe the digital ones would be better for me... I politely informed her that I had no trouble telling whether the strip was positive or negative...

I left the appointment feeling much more hopeless than before I went. Again I felt like I was not being listened to and respected as a patient. I asked new doctor if it was normal at her practice for a patient to make an appointment with one doctor, but then see another with no notice. She was pretty surprised I asked that question and told me it was not normal, but that Dr. W was backed up and "the younger patients don't usually mind seeing a different doctor."

It seems that at this practice, the treatment follows a rigid schedule depending on the diagnosis, regardless of the individual needs of the patient. That just does not work for me. I have no confidence in my ability to ovulate and no confidence that they are going to help me.

Needless to say I cried all the way home from the appointment and almost for the rest of the afternoon. Then Wednesday I had to drive 3 hours north for my uncle's funeral (we weren't close, I just went to support my aunt- he was very abusive, long story).

Disaster doctor appoint + complicated feelings at uncle's funeral + STILL no ovulation = I am pissed.

I have been researching Southern New Jersey REs. I have a few in mind, but have not made an appointment yet. I am going to wait until I feel the urge to call. For now, I am going to keep temping and doing the OPKs and give my body a few more weeks to ovulate. I am on cd 27.

. . . . .

P and I just ate our weight in dominos pizza and lava cakes. I know I shouldn't, but it was freaking good and I feel better. I might have to have a glass of red to finish the night.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

cd 23: no ovulation :(

This morning my temp dropped, WAY down. This really sucks. I want to throw a big three year old tantrum. P has been so supportive and great through this whole thing, but he does not totally get my frustration. I told him it's like having to build a two story, four bedroom brick house with two car garage, but you are only able to add one brick every day. (and in this illustration, I visual the house as the egg, not even a baby).

I have an appointment this afternoon with my obgyn (Dr. W, the one I love and trust), and I am worried that I am going to get emotional during the visit. Hopefully I can just ignore the pregnant women, parenting magazines, and babies, and do what I have to do. I am not entirely sure what is going on at this appointment. The horrible nurse practitioner told me at my last appointment that they would "check my ovaries" at this visit and take blood (I am assuming to check for ovulation).

If I can't ovulate I can't even try and I hate this. Last night I told P I am OUT. I don't want to do this month after month. I am shit at work and have let the house deteriorate into a pig sty. Also, I lost a few pounds at the beginning of the cycle, but the more frustrated and down I get, the worse I eat, and... you know the drill.

If this goes on longer than a few months, I will get fired, our house will be condemned, and I will be 400 pounds. Awesome.

(I will update after the appointment- thanks for reading my pity part post!)

Monday, August 9, 2010

cd 22 and quick update- possible ovulation

I need a few more temps to confirm, but I may have ovulated last Thursday (cd 18) or Saturday (cd 20). It is confusing because we were away for the weekend. I slept at my brother-in-law's house Friday night and I was FREEZING- so my temp for Saturday morning is super low. If I ovulated, I think it was Thursday because of EWCM patterns and the issue with the Saturday morning temp. We'll see...

Back to work and waiting!

I will write a longer post soon about the weekend: extended family drama, ultrasound picture of brother's baby, and husband's birthday.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

cd 16: ovulation, where are you?

Yesterday there was boob pain and EWCM for a second day. There was even what I think was ovulation pain on the left. Today, my boobs are still hurting on and off, but my temp was still low. Hopefully all of this means ovulation is just around the corner!

In terms of my mood, I think I endured the mother of clomid mood swings since last Tuesday! While taking clomid, I really did not have any side effects except for a mild headache on the last two days of taking the pill, but I seem to be having a delayed reaction to it. Since about cd 10 I have been very anxious and irritable. Of course, this could also just be the nature of TTC.

I was at a family gathering over the weekend with at least one hugely pregnant cousin and three little toddlers running around. We had a really good time, but came home feeling drained. We had spent a good deal of time with the kids, which helped us avoid the questions of my aunts and older cousins regarding when we are "getting started."

Regarding telling people about our TTC struggles, we have told our siblings and my parents about what we are going through, but that is it so far. I don't feel the need to keep things under wraps indefinitely, but we have decided to keep things quiet with extended family and friends for a little while. If this process takes longer than we hope, I would rather avoid constant status update questions from my family.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

some thoughts

I have been thinking about this post for a while. I read quite a few blogs related to infertility, baby loss, and miscarriage. After my suspected chemical pregnancy in January, I started googling like a maniac, and came across some of these blogs. Reading the stories of struggle, heartbreak, loss, joy, and success really opened my eyes. To say I was naive about these topics before is an understatement.

As the months went on and I began having (what I thought were) regular periods, I stopped reading as much, because I felt kind of guilty lurking on blogs while I was ovulating and obviously just about to conceive (ha). Then came the CYCLE THAT WOULD NOT END, the tentative PCOS diagnosis, and the realization that I probably haven't ovulated since my first cycle off of bcp.*

I went back to some of the blogs, scouring for details on PCOS and clomid and anything I could find. I started commenting after a while, hesitantly, here and there, on blogs where I felt it would be ok for me to comment, even though I am not that far along in my journey, even though I might be "fixed" with a little provera and clomid...

Here is what has been on my mind: I want to comment on all the blogs. I want to support all the women I read about because I care. Also, the few comments I have received here have meant so much to me, that I want to give that support to as many other people who may need it.

But I don't comment as much as I want to because I am afraid I will hurt someone, rather than help someone. Many women have been fighting this fight for years, and have been through things that at this point, I can only guess how it would feel.

The hard part about where I am right now, is that even though I might have an easy fix in my future, I don't know that right now. In this moment I am terrified. Since I have become aware that something is wrong I have been so, so scared. And really confused. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know if I should have asked to be monitored on my first cycle of Clomid, or if I should just go straight to an RE if clomid does not bring on ovulation. I do not feel equipped for this battle.

I wanted to put these thoughts out there to work through my own insecurities and to apologize in advance if I offend anyone. No one has made me feel unwelcome or unwanted, and I realize that if I want to comment, I should just do it and stop worrying- but, I second guess myself and usually err on the side of safety.



* ...If I did ovulate at all in January, this is confusing to me because of the chemical pregnancy... my Dr. indicated that my HCG levels were "borderline" or something... still not clear on this. I just know there were some faint, but definitely positive hpts, there was an appointment made for a blood draw, and then the hpts got fainter, and one day negative. This all happened over a short period of time.

Monday, July 26, 2010

cd 8 and waiting

One of the hardest things to get used to in this process is all the waiting; waiting for my next doctor appointment, waiting each day to take my temperatures, waiting for the temps to reveal a pattern, waiting to take provera and clomid, waiting for my period to start and then end, waiting for ovulation, waiting waiting waiting. It is making me crazy.

With each new step, not only is there waiting, but there are new fears, such as: omg I am taking provera, am I sure I am not pregnant?; omg I don't think provera is going to bring on my period; omg clomid is going to make me nuts and ruin my weekend; omg what if clomid doesn't make me ovulate; etc.

Yesterday was the last day of my period, finally! It would be pretty awesome if I never had to have a provera induced period again because it sucked worse than my usual period.

I started taking the clomid last Friday, and will take my last pill tomorrow on cd 9. I started feeling achy twinges on the right and left of my pelvis today. I am sure it is much to early to feel anything ovulation related, but I definitely took note of it. I haven't noticed any severe clomid side effects, thank goodness. I had a mild headache and some extra weepiness yesterday and today.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

cd 3 (TMI)

Now that we have actually decided on a course of action, time seems to be flying. Today is the third day of my proveraperiod and it is not pretty. I always have very heavy and very painful periods (which makes me wonder if PCOS is really "the culprit"), but this period is different.

Usually, my period hits me hard the first two and a half days, and then the next two and a half to three days is more manageable. This time, it is the other way around. Last Friday I started with cramps and yellow cm. Saturday brought brown, clumpy, intermittent spotting. Ditto Sunday. On Monday, the actual flow started. It was light with mild cramps. Yesterday was medium with moderate cramps. Today, it has been heavy with extremely painful cramps.

Friday will be CD5 and we will start the clomid! I made an appointment for CD23 (August 10) to have my ovaries and blood work checked for cysts/hyperstimulation and ovulation! This time I will be seeing my regular Dr., who I really like. I am going armed with a list of questions and a request for further diagnostic testing (for some reason I do not think clomid is going to work right away).

Monday, July 19, 2010

cd 1

After spotting for two days, today I finally have an actual flow! Although it is light, which is abnormal for me, I am counting it as CD 1. I am assuming the spotting/lightness is because this is a provera induced "period."

Four more days and I can start clomid.

Thank god that 95+ day (annovulatory) cycle is over. It was making me crazy.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

temp drop

This morning my temperature dropped and FF took the cross hairs away. I definitely breathed a sigh of relief. It sucked to see the little egg disappear... but hopefully I will see one again in my near future.

I am feeling crampy and yuck this morning, so I hope my period starts soon. I am looking forward to CD5 when I can start the clomid!

In case other people are taking provera for the first time, here were my symptoms while taking it and in the few days after: slight nausea, poor sleep, hot at night, pain in my boobs around the nipple areas, and dizziness. I told the horrible NP these things and she told me that provera would not cause it, but I am convinced it did. Some of the symptoms are normal for me to get around my period and the provera seemed to enhance them. (the dizziness, hot flashes, and interrupted sleep pattern are not normal PMS symptoms for me).

Thursday, July 15, 2010

cycle update... just waiting

I took the fifth and final Provera pill on Sunday night and am still waiting for a period. The day after I started the Provera, my temperatures shot up and have stayed up. Fertility Friend totally freaked me out by putting up dotted cross hairs (I have never seen this before) with ovulation occurring the day I took my first pill, July 7th (which I did not take until the evening).

Since Provera can cause birth defects and should not be taken while pregnant, I of course have been freaking out a little bit (a lot). After plenty of inappropriate googling while at work, it appears taking Provera can raise your BBT, which makes sense. According to FF I would be 8 dpo today. I took an internet strip HPT and a clear blue digital today and both indicated I was not pregnant. It is kind of weird to feel relieved by that news, since that is what I have been hoping for since January!

. . . . . . . . . .

P and I had a talk about whether we should try the clomid during the next cycle. It is hard to get him to express his opinion on big topics in our relationship. I think he worries that his opinion on a topic will make me feel pressured to do what he wants. I love that he cares so much about me, but it is frustrating sometimes when he repeatedly tells me that we can do whatever I want to do.

After I convinced him that no matter what his opinion was, I would not feel pressured, he told me that he would rather try the clomid sooner rather than later. His answer surprised me. It is not that he doesn't want children- because he does, just as much as I do- but because I was sure his answer would me to wait a few months to give my body time to possibly ovulate on its own.

I think I thought this because this is what I wanted to hear. It is safer somehow. Although it freaks me out, I know in my heart I agree with him. I want to try the clomid and see what happens.

I think I have been trying to convince myself to put the clomid off because I am afraid it will not work.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Semen analysis results

P's sperm are "perfectly normal." THANK GOD! Of course, in keeping with my gloom and doom attitude lately, I was convinced the results would not be good.

Maybe I should take this as a sign that this isn't going to be impossible! (aka stop being such a drama queen)

Monday, July 12, 2010

In need of PCOS/clomid advice...

The nurse practitioner (NP) at my OBGYN's office last Wednesday told me to chart the cycles I took clomid (she clearly wasn't listening because I explained to her that I HAVE been charting...); however, I have read on quite a few of your blogs that often ultrasound is used to detect ovulation for many PCOS patients.

My temperatures are all over the place, and I am afraid charting will not clearly reveal ovulation. Does taking provera and clomid level out temperatures? If I return to the OBGYN (to my regular dr and not to the NP of course), should I bring this up?

Semen in my purse

This morning I started my day in a new and exciting way: with a little sterile cup of semen in my purse.

P did a great job of getting his business in the cup; although, we were both nervous that it was not enough. He thought maybe the cup "threw him off."

The lab tech at the fertility clinic new I was a newbie when I whispered to her that I didn't think there was enough of a specimen. She assured me that the specimen was of "normal volume."

Walking through the waiting room of the fertility clinic was very different than my OBGYN waiting room. I know this is a fairly obvious observation, but up until a few months ago, I think I would have been too clueless to notice. I felt more at ease there, unlike how I felt last Wednesday at my OBGYN's office... at the fertility clinic I felt more and less emotional.

More emotional because I could not believe that I felt more at ease there, and less emotional because there were no knocked-up-on-the-first-try, smug pregnant women. Sitting among such women last week was really hard, because I was so jealous. I just wanted to be one of them.

After my crappy visit with the NP last week, I have been thinking about skipping my three clomid cycles with the OBGYN and heading straight to an RE at the clinic I took P's specimen to this morning...

Yesterday I took my last of five Provera pills and am now waiting for a "period." I am still not sure whether we are going to start with the clomid this month, or wait to give my body a month or two of healthy eating and exercise to ovulate on its own. Am I naive to think this is possible?

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

How it went...

Today was dissatisfying. My appointment was fast and uninformative. The nurse practitioner (NP) told me that my blood work suggested PCOS because my LH was 18.7 and my FSH was 6.3. She explained that although my levels were in the normal range, that my LH was three times the FSH level, which indicated PCOS.

The appointment felt very rushed. She did not talk about more diagnostics, but rushed right to prescribing me Provera and Clomid. She gave us a flier for a lab for P's semen analysis and told me to call and make an appointment when I get a period. She told me to chart my cycles to make sure that I ovulated. After three cycles, if I am not pregnant, she said I would have to see "the men in black."

I didn't ask enough questions, such as whether my ovaries should be checked for cysts, considering all of the symptoms I have been having. She did not seem at all interested in the symptoms I told her about.

I am unsure of what to do. Should I just take the meds and get started, or should I call and make an appointment with my regular physician (who is patient and informative and awesome)? I also wish I discussed waiting a few months to see if ovulation would be triggered by starting an exercise routine and losing weight.

I started the Provera today anyway, because I want to end this cycle (which is over 85 days long at this point).

. . . . . . . . . .

As for P's semen analysis that was scheduled for this afternoon with his new primary care physician, it did not happen. I called after my appointment and cancelled because the whole point of the appointment was to get a script and send us to the lab. I did not realize this until the NP explained that the primary care physician did not do semen analyses, and would just give us a script, etc. My insurance does not require referrals, so we cancelled the appointment to save paying the copay for no reason. The NP gave us a specimen cup and we made an appointment to drop it off Monday morning (July 12th) at 8:30 AM.

Our medical appointments are today...

and I am nervous.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Holiday weekend, charting, update

The weekend was nice and relaxing. I saw my brother and it went really well. I explained what was going on with us and he felt really bad about the timing of it all. I told him I was already planning knitting and quilting projects for my new niece or nephew.

. . . . . . . . . .

Charting has helped me feel less anxious about this process overall. I feel more informed. But, my chart is all over the place. Fertilit.y frien.d keeps telling me I am waiting for ovulation. No shit!

I had a promising looking dip three days ago, which might have been ovulation. Still waiting to see what happened.

. . . . . . . . . .

Although FF is still waiting for ovulation, I have been having some questionable symptoms. (TMI warning!) Since Saturday afternoon I have been having some sharp twinges and achiness on the right and left of my lower abdomen. Yesterday I had some yellowish/brownish spotting, just once. Since then, the achiness has moved to the middle of my pelvis. This morning I woke up feeling like I had done crunches or sit ups. This could all be nothing, cysts, or...

I am trying to wait as long as possible before testing. Since my cycles have been unpredictable (nonexistent), and FF has not indicated ovulation, I have no idea when I would have ovulated, if I did.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Warning: emotional dream involving a baby

The night before last, I had a disturbing dream. I woke up very sad and confused. The feeling has remained with me, so I decided to blog about it. It is emotional and graphic. Please stop reading now if you are not up to it.

In the dream I had a baby; no pregnancy or labor, just a baby. I did not want the baby because the thought of taking care of it and being responsible for it stressed me out, so I put it in a little wooden box in the basement to keep for later.

Time passed, and the thought of the baby was constantly nagging me in the back of mind, no matter what I did to distract myself. So I went down to the basement and got it out. I was relieved to find that it was still alive. All of a sudden, love for the baby hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like a switch was flipped and now I loved the baby, wanted it, and despised myself for leaving it in the box in the basement for so long. I could tell the baby knew I had abandoned it, and it made me sad. Although the baby seemed to forgive me, I knew that it would never forget what I had done.

The rest of the dream was spent trying to nurse the baby. At first, things went well, and nursing was the most amazing experience I had ever felt, but after a little while, my milk got thick, like greek yogurt. It was uncomfortable and the baby was having difficulty eating. I was frantic. I tried to find a way to feed my baby and kept trying over and over to nurse. I felt angry with my body; I had finally realized this baby was mine and that I wanted it, and now my body would not feed it.

And then I woke up feeling heartbroken and torn up inside. That feeling will not go away.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Lately... (plus update)

... I have been feeling out of control, frantic, hopeless, hopeful, stupid, calm, emotional, mad, disappointed- LOTS of feelings.

I feel stupid for being this upset with something that I haven't totally figured out and have just started dealing with. I feel like I am "not justified" in feeling how I feel. I feel angry that I can't just have an "oops we weren't really trying" baby and that we really have to TRY. Then, on the other hand I think that it is still possible to have a "we were really trying but did not think it was likely" baby.

At times I have delusional feelings... such as five seconds ago when I was sitting at my desk (not working) daydreaming about how I could be pregnant rightthisverysecondandnotknowityet. I signed into fertility friend to manically check my cm patterns and bizarre temperature pattern. Everything looked exactly as it had 20 minutes ago.

. . . . .

Earlier today, when I realized this day was not going to be that productive, I called and made P an appointment for a semen analysis (SA) and made both of us appointments for physicals. You would think I would have done this last week, after hearing from my doctor, but no, of course not! Why not put it off and procrastinate, to afford myself ample time to stress, freak out, and pick at things.

Our physicals are later in the summer, but P's SA appointment is July 7th, the same day as my next OBGYN appointment. The medical assistant who scheduled the appointment for the SA said she did not know how the SA works (as far as doing the deed there, or at home). She also had no idea how long we would have to wait for results. Annoying.

. . . . .

Still no period.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

omen: good or bad?

A few other bloggers have blogged about bird omens recently, which reminded me of the following occurrence.

A few weeks ago, while driving home from work, a bunch of crows (no idea how many) flew over my car. One of them was carrying a dead rat. As I drove under the crows, the dead rat was dropped on my car. It thunked on the hood, and rolled off over my left wheel.

It freaked me out at the time. The whole thing felt like it happened in slow motion, and I remember thinking, "Oh great. That can't be good."

SOOooooooo... What do people think?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

bloodwork results

Voicemail from nurse practitioner B: blood work normal! not pregnant! Call if you have any questions!

I call with questions: Why haven't I still gotten a period? Does this mean I do not have PCOS?

Nurse practitioner B: .... well, your bloodwork is in the range of normal, but your levels do indicate PCOS... you will have to come in to make a plan and get further blood taken/testing done.

........

I am confused. How can my bloodwork be normal, but also indicate PCOS? So do I have PCOS or not?

The nurse practitioner also indicated that P (husband) needs to get a sperm analysis before fertility medication is prescribed.

I feel pretty badly that he has to go for a physical and semen analysis because my body is not working like it should.

.......

I know I have only just begun this process- but I am really sad and discouraged today.

Monday, June 21, 2010

charting

As of this morning, I have started charting my cycles. Already I feel more at ease with this process- like I am "doing" something about it. Of course, in keeping with my impatient nature, I feel like I should be able to get something out of the one and only temperature on my chart: 97.3.

This is not the case, I know, so I am trying to be patient and realize this is the tip of the iceberg, and that at this point the iceberg may be more like a small icebrick (I hope).

After reading blogs and reviews, I purchased the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" two months ago, and began reading it last week before my appointment. All I have to say is that I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON inside my body every month. Shit, I don't think I even really knew how to get pregnant. So all of our we'retryingbutwe'renotreallytryingbutweare since January, followed by a month and a half of "trying" after not getting a period was pointless!

We are more educated now. Hopefully I ovulate again this century...

Saturday, June 19, 2010

appointment

The doctor said I "sound" like polycystic ovaries, which is what I thought after consulting Google with my symptoms. She ordered some tests and took four vials of blood. I was told it would take at least one week for the results to come back.

The doctor said that if the results are what she expects them to be, that she will prescribe me Provera to bring on a bleed, and then Clomid to trigger ovulation.

My reaction to this appointment was mixed: happy to be figuring out what is going on, but also stressed out to possibly have a diagnosis that will make achieving pregnancy tricky/difficult/etc.

Still no period.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

cycle update (sort of)

As of today, I have still not gotten my period. I have a GYN appointment tomorrow that I am really looking forward to (odd). Instead of just taking a half day, I decided to take the whole day off from work so that I could prepare my list of questions and cycle information.

Last week I had some symptoms that really messed with my head. Starting last Monday night, I had this tight, hot pressure low in my abdomen in the pelvic region. My stomach felt sick (diarrhea and nausea, but I never got sick) and crampy in a way I have never felt before. When I got in bed at night, and laid on my back, there was this bubble on the left that I could feel when I applied light pressure. It happened almost every night last week and was very uncomfortable. Then on Sunday, I had some sharp pains on the left, and have not had any cramps since. There were still some light shooting pains on the left on and off throughout the day on Monday.

I suspect I had an ovarian cyst on the left, that burst on Sunday, which has impeded my period and caused the cramps and nausea. Of course I thought it was implantation or pregnancy all week and peed on many sticks- I have since ordered cheap internet HPTs to give my wallet a break.

Many others have said this: trying to get pregnant really messes with your head. I am convinced my husband now thinks I am insane.

my reasons for blogging

I decided to start this blog for a few reasons, the primary one being that I have no one in my real life that I can talk to about what is going on in my "reproductive" life right now. My friends are either single or are still very career driven and are not thinking about having children right now. My sister is only 23 and recently skipped work to go to an amusement park with her boyfriend- definitely not on the same wavelength.

And then there is my Mom. My Mom had 4 kids in 5 years- no planning, no problems, just happened. When I tried to talk to her about going off birth control, she told me to relax and it will happen. She told me that a chemical pregnancy was nothing to be upset about and that I shouldn't have been testing so early anyway. And recently, she told me I need to lose 30 pounds and then my cycles will regulate and I will get pregnant. She also told me that she is so glad she never had to worry about these things so much and of course TO RELAX AND IT WILL HAPPEN.

Let's just say my level of frustration with her "support" has been very high. She has also really hurt me, even though I know she has not meant to hurt me at all. We are just different. She got pregnant with me at 25 and quickly got married shortly after turning 26, before I was born. After me, there were 3 more babies in 4 years and then my Dad got a vasectomy.

I put myself through college and law school. My relationship with my husband (then boyfriend and fiance) was put on hold until I graduated college, then law school, and then until after I passed the bar. Now that I have a secure job, with great benefits and leave, I can finally start thinking about starting a family. P is also on the same page, and while he would rather wait until the fall to start trying, he agreed that we should get started after I informed him of my fears regarding my ovulation/menstrual cycles/cysts, etc.

So I started this blog to talk about what I am going through and how it makes me feel without judgement. To avoid being told to relax. To avoid being made to feel that I am irrational for having these feelings even though we "just" started officially this month, and have been "not preventing" since January.

Friday, June 4, 2010

welcome and introduction

Welcome to my new blog and thank you for stopping by. I am starting this blog to record this new chapter in my life: trying to conceive.

Here's the timeline so far:

  • November 2009: stop taking birth control pills. I was really nervous about this because I have been on them since I have been about 15 years old because of menstruation issues (a blog post by itself).
  • December 30, 2009-January 3, 2010: First period off the pill. Very heavy and extremely painful (chemical pregnancy this cycle- another blog post).
  • February 10-15, 2010: Second period. Ditto the flow and pain.
  • March 14-18, 2010: Third period. Ditto and ditto.
  • April 12-17, 2010: Fourth period. Ditto and ditto.
  • May: No period.

And still, no period.