Monday, June 28, 2010

Lately... (plus update)

... I have been feeling out of control, frantic, hopeless, hopeful, stupid, calm, emotional, mad, disappointed- LOTS of feelings.

I feel stupid for being this upset with something that I haven't totally figured out and have just started dealing with. I feel like I am "not justified" in feeling how I feel. I feel angry that I can't just have an "oops we weren't really trying" baby and that we really have to TRY. Then, on the other hand I think that it is still possible to have a "we were really trying but did not think it was likely" baby.

At times I have delusional feelings... such as five seconds ago when I was sitting at my desk (not working) daydreaming about how I could be pregnant rightthisverysecondandnotknowityet. I signed into fertility friend to manically check my cm patterns and bizarre temperature pattern. Everything looked exactly as it had 20 minutes ago.

. . . . .

Earlier today, when I realized this day was not going to be that productive, I called and made P an appointment for a semen analysis (SA) and made both of us appointments for physicals. You would think I would have done this last week, after hearing from my doctor, but no, of course not! Why not put it off and procrastinate, to afford myself ample time to stress, freak out, and pick at things.

Our physicals are later in the summer, but P's SA appointment is July 7th, the same day as my next OBGYN appointment. The medical assistant who scheduled the appointment for the SA said she did not know how the SA works (as far as doing the deed there, or at home). She also had no idea how long we would have to wait for results. Annoying.

. . . . .

Still no period.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

omen: good or bad?

A few other bloggers have blogged about bird omens recently, which reminded me of the following occurrence.

A few weeks ago, while driving home from work, a bunch of crows (no idea how many) flew over my car. One of them was carrying a dead rat. As I drove under the crows, the dead rat was dropped on my car. It thunked on the hood, and rolled off over my left wheel.

It freaked me out at the time. The whole thing felt like it happened in slow motion, and I remember thinking, "Oh great. That can't be good."

SOOooooooo... What do people think?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

bloodwork results

Voicemail from nurse practitioner B: blood work normal! not pregnant! Call if you have any questions!

I call with questions: Why haven't I still gotten a period? Does this mean I do not have PCOS?

Nurse practitioner B: .... well, your bloodwork is in the range of normal, but your levels do indicate PCOS... you will have to come in to make a plan and get further blood taken/testing done.

........

I am confused. How can my bloodwork be normal, but also indicate PCOS? So do I have PCOS or not?

The nurse practitioner also indicated that P (husband) needs to get a sperm analysis before fertility medication is prescribed.

I feel pretty badly that he has to go for a physical and semen analysis because my body is not working like it should.

.......

I know I have only just begun this process- but I am really sad and discouraged today.

Monday, June 21, 2010

charting

As of this morning, I have started charting my cycles. Already I feel more at ease with this process- like I am "doing" something about it. Of course, in keeping with my impatient nature, I feel like I should be able to get something out of the one and only temperature on my chart: 97.3.

This is not the case, I know, so I am trying to be patient and realize this is the tip of the iceberg, and that at this point the iceberg may be more like a small icebrick (I hope).

After reading blogs and reviews, I purchased the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" two months ago, and began reading it last week before my appointment. All I have to say is that I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON inside my body every month. Shit, I don't think I even really knew how to get pregnant. So all of our we'retryingbutwe'renotreallytryingbutweare since January, followed by a month and a half of "trying" after not getting a period was pointless!

We are more educated now. Hopefully I ovulate again this century...

Saturday, June 19, 2010

appointment

The doctor said I "sound" like polycystic ovaries, which is what I thought after consulting Google with my symptoms. She ordered some tests and took four vials of blood. I was told it would take at least one week for the results to come back.

The doctor said that if the results are what she expects them to be, that she will prescribe me Provera to bring on a bleed, and then Clomid to trigger ovulation.

My reaction to this appointment was mixed: happy to be figuring out what is going on, but also stressed out to possibly have a diagnosis that will make achieving pregnancy tricky/difficult/etc.

Still no period.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

cycle update (sort of)

As of today, I have still not gotten my period. I have a GYN appointment tomorrow that I am really looking forward to (odd). Instead of just taking a half day, I decided to take the whole day off from work so that I could prepare my list of questions and cycle information.

Last week I had some symptoms that really messed with my head. Starting last Monday night, I had this tight, hot pressure low in my abdomen in the pelvic region. My stomach felt sick (diarrhea and nausea, but I never got sick) and crampy in a way I have never felt before. When I got in bed at night, and laid on my back, there was this bubble on the left that I could feel when I applied light pressure. It happened almost every night last week and was very uncomfortable. Then on Sunday, I had some sharp pains on the left, and have not had any cramps since. There were still some light shooting pains on the left on and off throughout the day on Monday.

I suspect I had an ovarian cyst on the left, that burst on Sunday, which has impeded my period and caused the cramps and nausea. Of course I thought it was implantation or pregnancy all week and peed on many sticks- I have since ordered cheap internet HPTs to give my wallet a break.

Many others have said this: trying to get pregnant really messes with your head. I am convinced my husband now thinks I am insane.

my reasons for blogging

I decided to start this blog for a few reasons, the primary one being that I have no one in my real life that I can talk to about what is going on in my "reproductive" life right now. My friends are either single or are still very career driven and are not thinking about having children right now. My sister is only 23 and recently skipped work to go to an amusement park with her boyfriend- definitely not on the same wavelength.

And then there is my Mom. My Mom had 4 kids in 5 years- no planning, no problems, just happened. When I tried to talk to her about going off birth control, she told me to relax and it will happen. She told me that a chemical pregnancy was nothing to be upset about and that I shouldn't have been testing so early anyway. And recently, she told me I need to lose 30 pounds and then my cycles will regulate and I will get pregnant. She also told me that she is so glad she never had to worry about these things so much and of course TO RELAX AND IT WILL HAPPEN.

Let's just say my level of frustration with her "support" has been very high. She has also really hurt me, even though I know she has not meant to hurt me at all. We are just different. She got pregnant with me at 25 and quickly got married shortly after turning 26, before I was born. After me, there were 3 more babies in 4 years and then my Dad got a vasectomy.

I put myself through college and law school. My relationship with my husband (then boyfriend and fiance) was put on hold until I graduated college, then law school, and then until after I passed the bar. Now that I have a secure job, with great benefits and leave, I can finally start thinking about starting a family. P is also on the same page, and while he would rather wait until the fall to start trying, he agreed that we should get started after I informed him of my fears regarding my ovulation/menstrual cycles/cysts, etc.

So I started this blog to talk about what I am going through and how it makes me feel without judgement. To avoid being told to relax. To avoid being made to feel that I am irrational for having these feelings even though we "just" started officially this month, and have been "not preventing" since January.

Friday, June 4, 2010

welcome and introduction

Welcome to my new blog and thank you for stopping by. I am starting this blog to record this new chapter in my life: trying to conceive.

Here's the timeline so far:

  • November 2009: stop taking birth control pills. I was really nervous about this because I have been on them since I have been about 15 years old because of menstruation issues (a blog post by itself).
  • December 30, 2009-January 3, 2010: First period off the pill. Very heavy and extremely painful (chemical pregnancy this cycle- another blog post).
  • February 10-15, 2010: Second period. Ditto the flow and pain.
  • March 14-18, 2010: Third period. Ditto and ditto.
  • April 12-17, 2010: Fourth period. Ditto and ditto.
  • May: No period.

And still, no period.