Monday, June 28, 2010

Lately... (plus update)

... I have been feeling out of control, frantic, hopeless, hopeful, stupid, calm, emotional, mad, disappointed- LOTS of feelings.

I feel stupid for being this upset with something that I haven't totally figured out and have just started dealing with. I feel like I am "not justified" in feeling how I feel. I feel angry that I can't just have an "oops we weren't really trying" baby and that we really have to TRY. Then, on the other hand I think that it is still possible to have a "we were really trying but did not think it was likely" baby.

At times I have delusional feelings... such as five seconds ago when I was sitting at my desk (not working) daydreaming about how I could be pregnant rightthisverysecondandnotknowityet. I signed into fertility friend to manically check my cm patterns and bizarre temperature pattern. Everything looked exactly as it had 20 minutes ago.

. . . . .

Earlier today, when I realized this day was not going to be that productive, I called and made P an appointment for a semen analysis (SA) and made both of us appointments for physicals. You would think I would have done this last week, after hearing from my doctor, but no, of course not! Why not put it off and procrastinate, to afford myself ample time to stress, freak out, and pick at things.

Our physicals are later in the summer, but P's SA appointment is July 7th, the same day as my next OBGYN appointment. The medical assistant who scheduled the appointment for the SA said she did not know how the SA works (as far as doing the deed there, or at home). She also had no idea how long we would have to wait for results. Annoying.

. . . . .

Still no period.

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