Thursday, July 29, 2010

some thoughts

I have been thinking about this post for a while. I read quite a few blogs related to infertility, baby loss, and miscarriage. After my suspected chemical pregnancy in January, I started googling like a maniac, and came across some of these blogs. Reading the stories of struggle, heartbreak, loss, joy, and success really opened my eyes. To say I was naive about these topics before is an understatement.

As the months went on and I began having (what I thought were) regular periods, I stopped reading as much, because I felt kind of guilty lurking on blogs while I was ovulating and obviously just about to conceive (ha). Then came the CYCLE THAT WOULD NOT END, the tentative PCOS diagnosis, and the realization that I probably haven't ovulated since my first cycle off of bcp.*

I went back to some of the blogs, scouring for details on PCOS and clomid and anything I could find. I started commenting after a while, hesitantly, here and there, on blogs where I felt it would be ok for me to comment, even though I am not that far along in my journey, even though I might be "fixed" with a little provera and clomid...

Here is what has been on my mind: I want to comment on all the blogs. I want to support all the women I read about because I care. Also, the few comments I have received here have meant so much to me, that I want to give that support to as many other people who may need it.

But I don't comment as much as I want to because I am afraid I will hurt someone, rather than help someone. Many women have been fighting this fight for years, and have been through things that at this point, I can only guess how it would feel.

The hard part about where I am right now, is that even though I might have an easy fix in my future, I don't know that right now. In this moment I am terrified. Since I have become aware that something is wrong I have been so, so scared. And really confused. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know if I should have asked to be monitored on my first cycle of Clomid, or if I should just go straight to an RE if clomid does not bring on ovulation. I do not feel equipped for this battle.

I wanted to put these thoughts out there to work through my own insecurities and to apologize in advance if I offend anyone. No one has made me feel unwelcome or unwanted, and I realize that if I want to comment, I should just do it and stop worrying- but, I second guess myself and usually err on the side of safety.



* ...If I did ovulate at all in January, this is confusing to me because of the chemical pregnancy... my Dr. indicated that my HCG levels were "borderline" or something... still not clear on this. I just know there were some faint, but definitely positive hpts, there was an appointment made for a blood draw, and then the hpts got fainter, and one day negative. This all happened over a short period of time.

5 comments:

  1. don't be scared of commenting! at least not on my blog. saying the wrong thing is much better than that resounding silence that we all know so well.

    the fact you care about this means that you care. which is a good thing.

    i've always been grateful for your comments and emails.
    xxx

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  2. In this community, the way to make friends is to put yourself out there and comment on blogs. I really appreciate you commenting on my blog, which prompted me to come read yours. And now I'm following yours! When you're new, you wonder where you belong, but the amazing thing about this community is I've never seen such a welcoming, warm group of (mostly) women. They are supportive, nice, helpful and friendly. Please don't EVER feel bad about commenting. Even if you haven't walked in my shoes, I haven't walked in your shoes either, and I don't know what it's like to be you. But I will try to be your friend. OK? Also, nice to meet you!!!

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  3. Thank you B, I have been comforted by you as well, and really appreciate your emails and comments. I am glad I can offer some support!

    Alex, I am doing it, I am commenting! Nice to meet you as well ;)

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  4. I completely agree with what B wrote - saying the wrong thing is much better than that resounding silence that we all know so well.

    In that vein, thanks so much for your comment on my blog. Your support helped to lift my spirits on a very rough day.

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  5. I know exactly how you feel. I often feel like a fraud for even calling myself infertile, even though it's on my charts and everything. But the feelings are real.

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