Friday, July 2, 2010

Warning: emotional dream involving a baby

The night before last, I had a disturbing dream. I woke up very sad and confused. The feeling has remained with me, so I decided to blog about it. It is emotional and graphic. Please stop reading now if you are not up to it.

In the dream I had a baby; no pregnancy or labor, just a baby. I did not want the baby because the thought of taking care of it and being responsible for it stressed me out, so I put it in a little wooden box in the basement to keep for later.

Time passed, and the thought of the baby was constantly nagging me in the back of mind, no matter what I did to distract myself. So I went down to the basement and got it out. I was relieved to find that it was still alive. All of a sudden, love for the baby hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like a switch was flipped and now I loved the baby, wanted it, and despised myself for leaving it in the box in the basement for so long. I could tell the baby knew I had abandoned it, and it made me sad. Although the baby seemed to forgive me, I knew that it would never forget what I had done.

The rest of the dream was spent trying to nurse the baby. At first, things went well, and nursing was the most amazing experience I had ever felt, but after a little while, my milk got thick, like greek yogurt. It was uncomfortable and the baby was having difficulty eating. I was frantic. I tried to find a way to feed my baby and kept trying over and over to nurse. I felt angry with my body; I had finally realized this baby was mine and that I wanted it, and now my body would not feed it.

And then I woke up feeling heartbroken and torn up inside. That feeling will not go away.

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