Tuesday, August 31, 2010

.... spotting? cramping? crazy-making? YES YES AND YES

...so FF put the CH back up on August 18th (cd 31) after I put my temp in this morning. This afternoon has brought cramping, low back pain/aches, and spotting. My boobs are hurting more too. Ladies, what the heck is going on in my nether regions? There are three options: 1) I am ovulating and it is a violent one; 2) AF is starting after an annovulatory cycle; or, 3) Implantation is occurring on 13 dpo (or ?? dpo since my chart is a mess).

Here is said chart. (please no lectures on timing, BDing, temping etc., I know, I get it, the VIP guides have DEFINITELY chided me on this, but, I have experienced that when you are stressed, emotional, and dealing with new found insomnia, it is really hard to temp after three hours of sleep AND at the same time every morning- and BDing every other day for an eleventy thousand day cycle? FAIL.).

Also, welcome to my crappy BDing, cervical fluid pattern, and TMI details of symptoms!

Monday, August 30, 2010

a new week

In all my negativity, I forgot to mention some positive stuff that has happened recently: P got a new job and he starts this week! This job pays more than double what he was previously making and will make us much more financially stable! We are so thankful for this job.

Of course there is a BUT! Here it is: the job is second shift. I work first shift. I will miss him so, so much every night after work. It won't be as bad at I think it will be, I am sure, once I get used to coming home and getting dinner by myself and going to bed by myself; however, this past weekend, it was just another thing getting me down. Today I struggled not to cry whenever I thought about walking through the door and him not being home.

This week is a brand new week and I plan to try to be more positive and hopeful. With Jeff not home every night, it will be easier for me to eat healthy and get in more workouts. It will (hopefully) force me to get some things done around the house, craft projects completed, and books read.

. . . . . . . . . .

It is cd 43 currently and my chart is INSANE. Fertility friend is NOT my friend. The main "tuner" put the crosshairs up for August 18th again after I put in this morning's temp (they had been taken away for a while). I really think an August 18th ovulation is unlikely at this point. I think I may have ovulated Saturday... but, only a few more temps will tell.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

it was definitely an evaporation line

4 internet hpts, one clear blue easy digital, and two first response tests later, I have confirmed what I already knew: I have just experienced my first light pink evap line on an internet hpt.

It hurt.

I am sorry for how super negative my last post was. Last night I had a huge melt down. I cried to myself. I cried to my husband. I cried to my mom.

After crying and screaming and stomping and possibly throwing my naive purchase of what to expect out into the road, I got on the treadmill and walked furiously for 30 minutes. It was only 30 minutes and maybe 2 miles, but it made me feel so much better. The aggression and anger had dissipated and I was better able to figure out what was eating me alive: I realized that I have not ovulated in 5 months (possibly longer, but I only know for sure about the last five months).

That means I haven't even gotten the chance to get pregnant. All the charting, and timed sex, and stress has been for nothing and it makes me so angry.

I have not made an appointment with an RE yet, and I am not quite sure why I have not done it. I have had some great recommendations (thank you Lis). I think I am just scared of what they will say and what I will have to do. In my heart I am still harboring a hope that I can magically ovulate and get pregnant without making that step.

So for now, I am trying to reduce my intake of sugar and carbs and adding at least three 30 minute cardio workouts per week. When I figure out how, I am going to include a weight ticker in my sidebar to keep myself accountable.

Friday, August 27, 2010

short update- cd 40

I am writing this short update to commit myself to blogging more this weekend. I have not been doing well emotionally these last few weeks and I have no outlet. Blogging makes me feel better. I have been avoiding it because my emotions are all over the place and I struggle with feeling that I am being irrational. We have not been trying for a significant amount of time, so I tell myself that I should not be this upset. But I really, really am. And I need to find a way to deal with it because I am getting eaten alive by my out of control emotions.

I am on cd 40 and my chart does not indicate ovulation. Of course, I convinced myself that I ovulated last Wednesday (cd 31) because of some "ovulation pain" and other symptoms. Also because last Wednesday was the 9 year anniversary of my brother's death. I am embarrassed of this pathetic hope. (Wow I am having trouble typing about this right now, too much for work hours.)

Along the lines of my pathetic convincing and deal making, I took a cheap internet HPT last night and got a faint, almost not there pink line, the same width as the control line. Super. Same thing this morning. I know I either dipped it for too long or looked at it too long after the time frame indicated by the instructions... because with the way my chart looks, there is no way it could be possible and I hate myself for thinking that it is. To keep up the torture, I am of course going to buy some FRERs and clear blue digitals on my lunch hour.

Anyway, this is where I am at and now that I have put it out there, maybe I can accomplish something before the end of my workday.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

The week in review

This week sucked. My OBGYN appointment on Tuesday went terribly. I did not end up seeing Dr. W. At the last minute, a new doctor came in to check my ovaries, which in that practice meant a pelvic exam.

This new doctor obviously had not looked at my chart before she came into the room. She had no idea why I was there until I told her. I asked if someone could actually look at my ovaries to make sure there weren't any cysts because of some symptoms I had been having. New doctor refused to do an ultrasound, even though the stupid machine was RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR (because I told the nurse I would be asking for one!). She said that they did ultrasounds to check for cysts after three months on clomid... my mouth kind of dropped open at that. I told her I have a history of cysts and irregular, very painful, long, heavy periods and would feel better taking clomid again if my ovaries were checked for cysts. She didn't really answer.

Next I asked about metformin. She told me that taking metformin would not help me because "studies showed clomid was the best drug for PCOS patients." When I asked about further diagnostics, such as checking my glucose levels for insulin resistance, she told me that was "old fashioned." I have no clue what that means.

When I showed her my chart, which the horrible nurse practitioner told me to bring in when I got my ovaries checked, she looked at it like it was Greek and told me that I could stop temping because it was inaccurate. She told me to use OPKs instead. I told her I was using them already and had not gotten a positive yet. She told me maybe the digital ones would be better for me... I politely informed her that I had no trouble telling whether the strip was positive or negative...

I left the appointment feeling much more hopeless than before I went. Again I felt like I was not being listened to and respected as a patient. I asked new doctor if it was normal at her practice for a patient to make an appointment with one doctor, but then see another with no notice. She was pretty surprised I asked that question and told me it was not normal, but that Dr. W was backed up and "the younger patients don't usually mind seeing a different doctor."

It seems that at this practice, the treatment follows a rigid schedule depending on the diagnosis, regardless of the individual needs of the patient. That just does not work for me. I have no confidence in my ability to ovulate and no confidence that they are going to help me.

Needless to say I cried all the way home from the appointment and almost for the rest of the afternoon. Then Wednesday I had to drive 3 hours north for my uncle's funeral (we weren't close, I just went to support my aunt- he was very abusive, long story).

Disaster doctor appoint + complicated feelings at uncle's funeral + STILL no ovulation = I am pissed.

I have been researching Southern New Jersey REs. I have a few in mind, but have not made an appointment yet. I am going to wait until I feel the urge to call. For now, I am going to keep temping and doing the OPKs and give my body a few more weeks to ovulate. I am on cd 27.

. . . . .

P and I just ate our weight in dominos pizza and lava cakes. I know I shouldn't, but it was freaking good and I feel better. I might have to have a glass of red to finish the night.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

cd 23: no ovulation :(

This morning my temp dropped, WAY down. This really sucks. I want to throw a big three year old tantrum. P has been so supportive and great through this whole thing, but he does not totally get my frustration. I told him it's like having to build a two story, four bedroom brick house with two car garage, but you are only able to add one brick every day. (and in this illustration, I visual the house as the egg, not even a baby).

I have an appointment this afternoon with my obgyn (Dr. W, the one I love and trust), and I am worried that I am going to get emotional during the visit. Hopefully I can just ignore the pregnant women, parenting magazines, and babies, and do what I have to do. I am not entirely sure what is going on at this appointment. The horrible nurse practitioner told me at my last appointment that they would "check my ovaries" at this visit and take blood (I am assuming to check for ovulation).

If I can't ovulate I can't even try and I hate this. Last night I told P I am OUT. I don't want to do this month after month. I am shit at work and have let the house deteriorate into a pig sty. Also, I lost a few pounds at the beginning of the cycle, but the more frustrated and down I get, the worse I eat, and... you know the drill.

If this goes on longer than a few months, I will get fired, our house will be condemned, and I will be 400 pounds. Awesome.

(I will update after the appointment- thanks for reading my pity part post!)

Monday, August 9, 2010

cd 22 and quick update- possible ovulation

I need a few more temps to confirm, but I may have ovulated last Thursday (cd 18) or Saturday (cd 20). It is confusing because we were away for the weekend. I slept at my brother-in-law's house Friday night and I was FREEZING- so my temp for Saturday morning is super low. If I ovulated, I think it was Thursday because of EWCM patterns and the issue with the Saturday morning temp. We'll see...

Back to work and waiting!

I will write a longer post soon about the weekend: extended family drama, ultrasound picture of brother's baby, and husband's birthday.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

cd 16: ovulation, where are you?

Yesterday there was boob pain and EWCM for a second day. There was even what I think was ovulation pain on the left. Today, my boobs are still hurting on and off, but my temp was still low. Hopefully all of this means ovulation is just around the corner!

In terms of my mood, I think I endured the mother of clomid mood swings since last Tuesday! While taking clomid, I really did not have any side effects except for a mild headache on the last two days of taking the pill, but I seem to be having a delayed reaction to it. Since about cd 10 I have been very anxious and irritable. Of course, this could also just be the nature of TTC.

I was at a family gathering over the weekend with at least one hugely pregnant cousin and three little toddlers running around. We had a really good time, but came home feeling drained. We had spent a good deal of time with the kids, which helped us avoid the questions of my aunts and older cousins regarding when we are "getting started."

Regarding telling people about our TTC struggles, we have told our siblings and my parents about what we are going through, but that is it so far. I don't feel the need to keep things under wraps indefinitely, but we have decided to keep things quiet with extended family and friends for a little while. If this process takes longer than we hope, I would rather avoid constant status update questions from my family.