Friday, August 27, 2010

short update- cd 40

I am writing this short update to commit myself to blogging more this weekend. I have not been doing well emotionally these last few weeks and I have no outlet. Blogging makes me feel better. I have been avoiding it because my emotions are all over the place and I struggle with feeling that I am being irrational. We have not been trying for a significant amount of time, so I tell myself that I should not be this upset. But I really, really am. And I need to find a way to deal with it because I am getting eaten alive by my out of control emotions.

I am on cd 40 and my chart does not indicate ovulation. Of course, I convinced myself that I ovulated last Wednesday (cd 31) because of some "ovulation pain" and other symptoms. Also because last Wednesday was the 9 year anniversary of my brother's death. I am embarrassed of this pathetic hope. (Wow I am having trouble typing about this right now, too much for work hours.)

Along the lines of my pathetic convincing and deal making, I took a cheap internet HPT last night and got a faint, almost not there pink line, the same width as the control line. Super. Same thing this morning. I know I either dipped it for too long or looked at it too long after the time frame indicated by the instructions... because with the way my chart looks, there is no way it could be possible and I hate myself for thinking that it is. To keep up the torture, I am of course going to buy some FRERs and clear blue digitals on my lunch hour.

Anyway, this is where I am at and now that I have put it out there, maybe I can accomplish something before the end of my workday.

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