Tuesday, September 28, 2010

P and I shared a moment this past weekend. A moment we had not experienced before as a couple. We were at dinner on Sunday night and an adorable family of four were seated in the booth next to ours. The baby boy was about 3 months and was still in his carrier. The baby girl was about 3 and wanted to go to the bathroom again and again because she liked the hand soap.

Neither of us commented on the family, but I knew we were both very aware that they were there. We were both paying close attention to them, but were trying to act like we weren't.

Then, at the same time, we looked each other in the eyes, and I asked him if he ever felt... and he interrupted me and said, "like there is something missing?"

We both teared up and just sat in silence for a minute or two. I told him I had been feeling that way for a few months now. P said he has been feeling that way for the past few weeks. We both always knew we wanted children with each other, and have been trying to conceive in some capacity since last November when we went off the pill, but have only recently become physically aware of what is missing.

This moment was not a sad one, but a bittersweet, hopeful one. I felt closer to my husband after this brief exchange than ever before. It was fitting that this would take place the night before our first RE appointment. When we arrived at the office yesterday afternoon, we walked in, our hands joined tightly, with a shared goal.

Monday, September 27, 2010

RE = awesome

It went really well. P and I both liked the doctor immediately. Dr. M. officially diagnosed me with PCOS. As soon as he saw my ovaries on ultrasound, he said, "You definitely have PCOS by the way." There were around 20 visible follicles on each ovary. None of the follicles were over 4 mm. Dr. M. is confident that I did not ovulate on 100 mg of clomid, but ordered bloodwork to make sure.

Here's the plan: Get the bloodwork in the morning and wait to hear from his office. Once I get a call from his office I will take 150 mg of clomid for seven days. He wants to try one more month of a higher dose of clomid taken over a longer period of time to see if I will respond before moving on to injectibles. He said I will be going in on certain days of my cycle after beginning the clomid to have my follicles checked and blood drawn.

All of my questions were answered before I could even ask them, so after giving my history, he completely took over. The best part of the visit was when he told me to stop charting and relinquish the reins to him. Sounds great to me. For the first time in months I came home and did not stare at my chart. Instead, I worked on my quilting project and cooked. I haven't cooked in weeks!

Just before the ultrasound, I started having some irrational and stupid fears. I was worried that my ovaries would be perfectly fine, that there would be evidence that I had ovulated, and that I was pregnant. These feelings came out of no where and really pissed me off. Why the hell would I hope those things did not happen? But, of course, my fear was unfounded, and I felt oddly relieved. I am losing it apparently.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

RE appointment tomorrow

Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I am feeling nervous and excited! The initial appointment is 1.5 hours and will involve an ultrasound and bloodwork. It feels weird to be so excited about a doctor's appointment that will involve a paper gown... but I really am!

I will update tomorrow after the appointment.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

the next step

I just made an appointment for next Monday with an RE. Excited and nervous.

In the meantime, I am going to actually try to work at work. Last week was an embarrassment. Being unable to work just further stresses me out and I have figured out that I am unable to work because I can't stop obsessing about what is going on inside my body. Hopefully treating with an RE will give me more insight into whether my ovaries are responding to medication more quickly and definitively than charting and waiting blindly for a period or a temperature shift- which, will lead to more work getting done at work? I really hope so, because being unemployed just isn't an option.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

first anniversary

Yesterday was mine and P's first anniversary! We went into P.hilly for the night and stayed until today. We went to dinner, had some drinks, walked around the city, and had some of our wedding cake. It was so nice to stay in a nice hotel and forget about things for a while, even if it was literally ten minutes from our house. This morning we slept in, ordered room service for breakfast, walked along the water at P.enn's L.anding and took a slow ride home.

As we got closer to home, I felt the anxiety and stress creeping back in. It was so nice to be free from it for a while, but it was here waiting for me when I got back. My temperature still has not gone up and I feel like my premonition is coming true: 100 mg of clomid is not going to make me ovulate. Of course, there is a small possibility that ovulation might occur in the next few days, but I am on cd 18 and it does not seem likely. I will keep up hope though and try to keep a positive outlook.

Although I am struggling with emotions this afternoon, the weekend was great. P is such a loving, patient and supporting spouse. I feel so blessed to be his wife. Marriage has been such a positive part of my life, just like I knew it would be with him.

I would give anything to be able to make him a father. It really hurts that I haven't had a chance.

Friday, September 17, 2010

broken record

My body and emotions are like a broken record.

Body: Like a record that keeps skipping, my body keeps trying to ovulate. This morning marks three mornings in a row of positive opks. At this point, I think the F.irst R.esponse opks are too sensitive for me. I have read that women with PCOS can have elevated LH levels, which I think I do, and that opks are not good predictors of ovulation. As for the chart, I had a huge temp drop yesterday with a small 0.2 degree (F) rise this morning. Last night and this morning, for the first time, I have had good amounts of eggwhite cervical fluid. The jury is still out on ovulation. In a few more days I will know for sure.

Emotions: I DON'T WANT TO WAIT A FEW MORE DAYS I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON NOW I HATE WAITING AND NOT KNOWING. This cycle started off peacefully and I was determined not to obsess. I was doing well with stress management... until this morning. When that damn opk turned positive... instead of the excitement I felt the last two mornings, I started feeling this cold edge of anxiety creep in. What if I just have too much LH? What if FR opks are too senstive? The presence of the fertile cervical fluid just confused me.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

possible positive opk on cd 14

Last night I had an almost positive first response opk at 8:00 pm. This morning at 7:15 am* I had a definite positive first response opk, but a negative internet (cheap ass) strip. I will test again when I get home from work around 7:30 pm and see what happens!

There is conflicting info about whether fmu can be used for opks. The first response instructions indicate that you can use them at any time of day, but fertility friend indicates that fmu might give a false positive result on an opk. Time will tell I guess. If I can figure out how, maybe I will include some pictures, in case there are other people doing opks who would like to stare at them and obsess (not that I do that ever).

If anyone has any insight on opks and when to test, or the effectiveness of different brands, please comment away! Last month I used only cheap internet opks and never got anything close to positive and never got a thermal shift on my chart, so my experience with them is very limited.

*Just in case it matters, I did the opk at 7:15 am, but had gotten up to pee earlier at 2:30 am, so it wasn't super concentrated fmu.

. . . . .

I had an appointment with my obgyn Dr. W on Monday night. For once, it went really well. This time I actually got to see Dr. W, with whom I was scheduled, instead of some random doctor. I told her I was not thrilled that I saw a different doctor last time and explained that last cycle was the most stressed out about ttc I have ever been and not seeing the doctor I was scheduled with did not help the situation. She apologized and was really nice about it, thank goodness. She listened patiently to me talk about my chart, metformin, etc., and answered all of my questions.

Basically, that office does not offer anything more than three months of unmonitored clomid. She recommended two REs and wants me to see one of them if I don't get pregnant this cycle. It is insane to hear her say 'get pregnant' in terms of the cycle 'working', because at this point, if I could just ovulate, I would consider the cycle a success. That will definitely wear off after a few cycles of ovulating and no positive hpt, but for now, I would just like to know my body can ovulate.

Friday, September 10, 2010

back from a little break

On Friday, September 3rd, I went away for a little vacation. P stayed home because he is not yet able to take time off from the new job. I went with my parents, sister, and sister's fiance to our fishing cottage in Canada. Even though it was rainy and cold the whole time we were there, it was so relaxing. Our cabin is rustic. There is no electricity or plumbing. The lake is right outside the front door. A person has no choice but to relax while there.

In a way, I am lucky the weather wasn't the best because it allowed me to catch up on my sleep without feeling guilty. Last week was my first week trying to sleep while P worked 2nd shift. Sleeping did not come easily and by Friday I felt like a zombie. By the time I got back from vacation on Wednesday, I felt human again and more like myself than I have felt in quite a few weeks.

. . . . .

Yesterday I finished taking the 100 mg of clomid. I accidentally started it on cd 4, so this month I took it cd 4-8, instead of cd 5-9. I hope that taking it one day earlier does not hurt my chances to O.

I did not temp the whole time I was away and I must say, it was awesome. I really like temping because I am a control freak and temping makes me feel like I am doing something... buuuuuut on the other hand, I stress about what tomorrow's temp will be and spend too much time staring at mine and other people's charts. I think if I could actually O, that I would calm the heck down about the temps and chart-staring in future cycles.

. . . . .

I can't remember if I mentioned it in my last post (and I am too lazy/tired to check), but I started a quilting class last week! This past Wednesday was my second class and so far I am loving it. My aunt and I are taking it together and we are meeting some cool people. I leave class feeling very zen, as if I just did two hours of yoga! I am also excited to be making some friends in the area, since it is clear with mine and P's jobs that we will be staying in S. Jersey indefinitely.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Hello full flow! The winning answer regarding the mystery spotting: it was the beginning of my "period" after an annovulatory cycle.

I dropped off my prescription for 100 mg clomid this morning.

The positive: I did not need to take provera to bring on a period this time and I have gained more insight into charting. Jenn gave me some great advice to deal with FF and my inconsistent temping times.

The negative: 50 mg clomid did not make me ovulate and I am afraid clomid isn't going to work at all (gut feeling). Also, having very painful boobs and extreme fatigue in the week leading up to this period was a huge mind f*ck and pink evap lines 0n internet hpts hurt like hell. Realizing that I have definitely not ovulated in the last five months, and most likely since January, scared the crap out of me.

Conclusion: In future cycles, I need to try not to obsess over symptoms so much, because with PCOS, there are always going to be symptoms. I am going to make a herculean effort to not pee on anything/dip anything until well after a CLEAR ovulation.

The more of this fight that I face, the less it freaks me out. It is like anything else new or scary that a person would experience; the new scariness wears off and you just start dealing with it. I am hoping that the upcoming cycle will be less emotional and more about getting down to business.