Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Although I am doing a good job of keeping myself very busy this week... I still had this overall inpatient, unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. So, I decided to call my RE's office and heckle them with some questions. I got my blood work levels from before and after the IUI and sounded stressed enough that the nurse offered to squeeze me in on Monday for the injectibles consultation!

So, instead of Monday, November 8th, I will be learning how to stab myself on Monday, November 1st! This is awesome.

Ok, back to distracting myself...

Monday, October 25, 2010

There is not much to report. I kept myself busy all weekend with family and am ready to make this week a better week. My focus this week will be to finish this month on a high note at work and fill my evenings with quilting, knitting, and some much needed housework.

Sorry for being MIA with comments- I will be catching up today and this evening!

Thanks for the support, it has been a bright spot during a hard couple of days.

Friday, October 22, 2010

notta

Dr. M just called with this morning's blood work results: no ovulation.

Pointless IUI. Pointless symptom watching. I feel so stupid for being secretly excited.

He wants me to move on to injectibles. My injectible consult is on November 8th.

I am so upset. This is the first time I have cried at my desk and I am afraid someone will walk in (like a Judge.... so professional). I think I might leave early so I can go home and get in bed.

I know this isn't the end of the world, it just feels like it right now.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

October ICLW- Welcome

Hello! This is my first ICLW and I am really excited to be participating.

P (husband) and I got married in September of 2009 and stopped taking birth control pills in November of 2009. I got my first period at the end of December/beginning of January. I got three more periods and then nothing... for 98 days. I started temping halfway through the never ending cycle. At that point, my fears that this getting pregnant thing would be harder than I hoped were confirmed, and I went to my OBGYN. Dr. W told me that I probably had PCOS, but would need some tests to confirm. I took provera to end the long cycle.

I started 50 mg of clomid during the next cycle and did not ovulate. 100 mg of clomid did not work either. Dr. W recommended I see an RE, Dr. M. It was difficult for me to make the first appointment because it was all getting real very quickly, but once I did, and I went, I felt so much better. He told me to put down the thermometer and step back from the research. I finally felt like someone was going to work on this problem besides myself and that things would get rolling.

He looked at my ovaries and blood work and confirmed the PCOS diagnosis. He prescribed 150 mg of clomid for seven days. Last Wednesday I went in for a follicle check and I had one mature follicle at 23 mm. Dr. M recommended an IUI the following day. When we arrived for the IUI, Dr. M informed us that my blood work showed lower estrogen than he would have liked and asked me to come in at the end of next week (tomorrow) for blood work to make sure I ovulated.

Sorry if this was a jumbled mess- I should have prepared something last night instead of right now, before I start working! Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to checking out all of your blogs!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I felt more relaxed yesterday and even more so today. The insane googling has stopped, as well as the symptom analyzing. I am trying to accept that either I ovulated or I didn't, and obsessing over it will not change what happened. On Friday, I will know a lot more about the chances of this IUI working when I get my progesterone level checked. Until then, I will do my best to push this out of my mind and focus on my day to day and doing some freaking WORK at work.

. . . . . . . . . .

P and I talked about the issue with "relations" that we encountered last Friday. He beat me to the punch and brought it up himself. He told me he felt like crap all day on Friday when he woke up and realized what had happened that morning. He promised to make a bigger effort in the future and to do his part in this. It was good to hear him acknowledge my feelings and admit he was wrong. He also thanked me for everything I have been doing to get pregnant and said that sometimes he feels bad because he knows it is all on me. Needless to say, I cried.

In general, P is a very understanding and loving husband, but I was pretty surprised that he brought the topic up and said everything I wanted him to say. Because, let's face it, guys usually do not say what we would say to us if we were them.

. . . . . . . . . .

Okay, back to work I go. Not to FF forums or google...

Monday, October 18, 2010

4 dpiui and feeling the crazy

I am so NOT a graceful waiter. What is happening:

- stalking blogs (like checking ALL of them 5 thousand times even if there is no new post)
- reading all comments on said blogs
- googling stupid crap (such as 4 dpo symptoms... implantation at 4 dpo... REALLY?)
- wondering if I ovulated
- bouncing from feeling positive to negative every five minutes
- reading all posts on all FF forums

What is not happening:

- feeling zen
- work
- sanity

Feel free to knock some sense into me as I am currently SICK of myself.

Friday, October 15, 2010

no relations for you

Dr. M recommended that we have "relations" (just call it sex doc) this morning. P basically refused. He works nights, and worked a 12 hour shift last night. He had been sleeping for about 3 hours when I woke him up to "relate." He was all "I'm just too tired, I'm sorry" and rolled back over and was out.

I get that he is tired, but I am really hurt. I cried a little and then got my butt ready for work. The rollercoaster just does not seem to end. There is always something happening to make me feel like things aren't going to work out. It is like I am doing emotional interval training.

My plan is to not fight with P about this. This weekend I plan to talk to him about it and explain that if we are going to do this, then he needs to suck it up and do his part. If he is changing his mind and feeling overwhelmed by this process then I need to know. And if that is the case, I will be upset, but I will understand, because I am overwhelmed too.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

post first iui

Since we got home from the appointment I have been trying to compose a post about how it went. I feel all sorts of weird about it. It went quickly, P's sperm count was 67 million (good I think), it didn't hurt, and P held my hand.

Right before the IUI, Dr. M said that my estrogen level (they took blood yesterday) was a little lower than he thought it would be and that he would like me to come in the end of next week to have my progesterone levels checked to make sure I ovulated. He could tell that I immediately started freaking out and assured me that if he was VERY concerned he would have cancelled the IUI. He told me that he has had plenty of patients get pregnant with much lower estrogen levels than what mine were.

I am trying not to be upset and negative, but, it feels like I have been holding in tears all day since Dr. M mentioned my estrogen levels being low. I was relieved when P went to work so I could stop smiling and go to bed and mope.

Don't get me wrong, I am still hopeful and cautiously excited... but back to waiting to see if ovulated, as usual. I was looking forward to my first two week wait. Now I have another one week ovulation wait, and then a one week wait to test.

God, I am such a whiner.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

IUI scheduled for tomorrow!*

The appointment went well. I had one mature follicle on my left ovary that was 22 mm, and a bunch of 10, 9, 8, and 6 mm follicles on both. Dr. M offered us three options: 1. go home and have timed intercourse; 2. hcg trigger with timed intercourse; or 3. hcg trigger with IUI. Dr. M felt that the IUI was the best option, especially because I have had no cervical fluid at all on this dose of clomid, and because I only responded with one mature follicle. Dr. M said that often, women who respond with only one mature follicle, they might not respond at all in the next cycle.

At first, we decided to do the trigger and timed intercourse. We discussed it more as we waited to get the hcg trigger and changed our minds. We are doing the IUI tomorrow. We drop the specimen off at 9 AM and will get the IUI at 10:45. We both felt that we should give our one egg the best shot possible. Also, with our opposite work schedules, timed intercourse is difficult. It usually works out, but it is pretty stressful. This way, we can be sure that there is plenty of sperm waiting.

Overall, I am happy with what happened. To be honest, I was hoping for a few more mature follicles, but am obviously relieved that I responded at all.

I am going to work for the rest of the day and will request the day off for tomorrow.

. . . . . . . . . .

*edited to add:

The hcg trigger hurts like a b*tch. My whole side-arse is throbbing!

My lining measured at 9.3. I have no idea what that means. Just wanted to make sure I recorded it!

Since the appointment this morning I have been feeling grateful. I am grateful for my one mature follicle, that my insurance allows me to see an RE, and that we can afford an IUI. A few months ago, a $400 procedure would not have been possible. Thank god for P's new job!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

RE appointment #2 tomorrow and "when are you two getting started"

Tomorrow morning at 7:30 I have an appointment with the RE for a follicle check. I am so nervous. I requested the entire day off because if I did not respond to the clomid, I am not sure I will feel up to working.

Tomorrow is kind of a big deal. The RE told us that if I did not respond to this round of clomid it was on to injectibles and that opens a whole new can of worms (not covered by insurance, PCOS patients have a tendency to hyperstimulate, which one reason so many PCOS patients require IVF, etc.). I have been trying not to focus on that though and just stay positive that the clomid worked.

P is going with me to the appointment. I feel bad having him get up after only sleeping for five hours, but last time I was so nervous I wouldn't have been able to drive, so I really need him.

. . . . . . . . . .

This last weekend was a rough one. P's brother got married on Sunday. It was a simple, beautiful outdoor ceremony. Of course, there was a lot of family in town for the wedding.

Both of P's brother, including the one that was getting married, have babies.

Lots of family + other siblings have kids + we are married = at least four people asking me when P and I were going to "get started."

That question has never hurt me before. Before when people asked me those questions I would just blush and laugh and say something like "oh, soon, we are just enjoying being married... blah blah blah." But this time, I responded by acting like I didn't want kids. I was all "oh, no thanks, not for us, we don't need rugrats... diapers, gross."

I was surprised at myself for saying these things. It couldn't be further from the truth! I guess as more time goes on, the more I want to have a baby, and the more afraid I am that it isn't going to happen. Maybe I am just protecting those feelings by pushing people away from the topic.

Or maybe I am just a coward.

Friday, October 8, 2010

ow

During lunch a co-worker (we'll call her Kelly) and I walk around Philly for an hour or so. Today, while walking, I noticed that my lower back was aching and cramping like when I have my period. At first, I kind of freaked out because I thought my period was coming, which would have meant that my body was completely ignoring the clomid!

I tried to pay attention to what Kelly was saying, but really I was obsessing about my back cramps. Then I realized that there was quite a bit of pressure and achiness in my lower abdomen, on the right and left, radiating into my hip area.

The achiness and pressure continued through the afternoon and evening, both in my back and in my lower abdomen, on the right and left.

Of course, I won't know anything until my ultrasound next Wednesday, but I know I have never felt anything quite like this before. So maybe this is good? Maybe this means ovulation is going to happen?

(p.s.: I went to w.eight w.atchers and I lost a pound! It's small, but it's progress!)

edited to add: I took my last dose of clomid last night (150 mg for 7 days).

Thursday, October 7, 2010

b*tchiness continues

And now, there are six ultrasound photos hanging on the OUTSIDE of the pregnant woman's cubicle. I try not to stare at them every time I walk by, but I can't help it.

I feel like an @$$hole because instead of greeting this woman in the morning, I avert my gaze and walk by as quickly as possible. I don't feel any animosity toward her, but I do NOT wish to talk with her about her pregnancy, look at her ultrasound photos, or eat her munchkins.

Miss Ruby nailed it in her comment on my last post when she said that dealing with IF/RPL/fertility challenges stops normality. It really does.

I feel like a freak. No one in real life understands me anymore. My friends have no clue how I feel and my family, whom I am very close to, don't get it either. My Mom was shocked when I referred to my SIL as "fertile" in the same tone that I would refer to her as "idiot." She got annoyed with me and told me that I can't hold a person's fertility against them... and she's right, but I still do it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

munchkins*

Munchkins from d.unkin d.onuts are little pieces of edible love and happiness (except for the powdered ones... what a let down).

After today, the munchkin is dead to me.

My office recently hired nine people. The one girl looked suspiciously... PREGNANT. Like, at least five months. I thought to myself, "Self, you are being paranoid. Stop being a bitch and staring at that poor fat girl's stomach."

Today, as I walk by this person's cubicle, she has a SIGN hanging on the outside wall announcing, "IT'S A BOY." Beneath the sign was a little table with napkins, a box of munchkins, and a smaller sign that said "take one."

I did not.


*edited to add: This is in no way directed toward any of the lovely pregnant women whose blogs I follow and love. Just a little melodramatic rant.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

work (and apparently other stuff...)

My productivity is still not where it needs to be. Alex gave me a great suggestion (thank you): to set an egg timer for 15 minutes, and work, and then set it for 15 minutes, and not work. It helped me put in two good days at work, and often, once I had worked for 15 minutes, I found that I did not want to stop when the time was up.

This week, I am being so obstinate that I haven't even tried the timer thing... it's like my brain is incapable of focusing on one thing for longer than half a second. I don't like feeling like this. It is like I am not in control.

I think I am depressed. It is a secret because I have told no one in real life. I am not interested in things that normally interest me, and I spend most nights after work just hoping the time passes... I have no idea why I want this to happen though, because I have not been sleeping well, and I dread going to work every morning.

It is not a specific feeling of sadness, just a heaviness that clings to my heart and my limbs, making it nearly impossible to do anything beyond the absolutely necessary. Dishes have not been done on a regular basis in a while now. Laundry. Bills. Budget. Clutter. The list goes on.

The predominant feeling is anxiety. Sitting in the core of my chest, causing tightness and an odd light headed feeling.

Overall, I have felt better since my RE appointment last Monday. I guess I just expected all the sadness and anxiety to lift right after the appointment. It is lingering longer than I had hoped.

(notice this post started off about work)

Friday, October 1, 2010

new cycle

I just heard from the RE's office. My bloodwork showed that I did not ovulate on 100 mg of clomid last cycle. I am starting the 150 mg for seven days today! I have an appointment on October 13th for an ultrasound to check for follicles.

The nurse told me to count today as CD 1. It is so awesome that I don't have to wait for a period or take provera to cause one.