Tuesday, October 5, 2010

work (and apparently other stuff...)

My productivity is still not where it needs to be. Alex gave me a great suggestion (thank you): to set an egg timer for 15 minutes, and work, and then set it for 15 minutes, and not work. It helped me put in two good days at work, and often, once I had worked for 15 minutes, I found that I did not want to stop when the time was up.

This week, I am being so obstinate that I haven't even tried the timer thing... it's like my brain is incapable of focusing on one thing for longer than half a second. I don't like feeling like this. It is like I am not in control.

I think I am depressed. It is a secret because I have told no one in real life. I am not interested in things that normally interest me, and I spend most nights after work just hoping the time passes... I have no idea why I want this to happen though, because I have not been sleeping well, and I dread going to work every morning.

It is not a specific feeling of sadness, just a heaviness that clings to my heart and my limbs, making it nearly impossible to do anything beyond the absolutely necessary. Dishes have not been done on a regular basis in a while now. Laundry. Bills. Budget. Clutter. The list goes on.

The predominant feeling is anxiety. Sitting in the core of my chest, causing tightness and an odd light headed feeling.

Overall, I have felt better since my RE appointment last Monday. I guess I just expected all the sadness and anxiety to lift right after the appointment. It is lingering longer than I had hoped.

(notice this post started off about work)

4 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing about your feelings. Yes, this sounds like depression. Trust me - I know, I've been there. Have you thought about going to a therapist? It's sometimes hard to find the right person, but once you do, it can change everything. If it gets really bad, it would be worth talking to your regular doc about anti-depressants. Number one is you have to find someone to talk to about this stuff - it's hard!

    Hang in there, sweetie. But try to take care of yourself - you're very important!

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  2. I feel the same way, apathy, low energy, disinterest in most things. It is so hard to keep going and keep it together. Do you have a therapist to talk to about these feelings? I have found therapy so helpful, my therapist is an IF specialist so she understands what this all is and what it means.
    I too hope you can find a way to take care of yourself. Here for you.

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  3. Um, you just described me to a T, with this: "I spend most nights after work just hoping the time passes... I have no idea why I want this to happen though, because I have not been sleeping well, and I dread going to work every morning."

    Waiting for a baby is LONG and HARD. It feels just as long and hard for me, with an actual due date, as it did before I got pregnant. Maybe even worse, the way the very end of every long, miserable wait always is.

    I feel like 'depressed' carries connotations that there is something wrong with your brain chemistry, but I don't think that there is anything wrong with yours. I think your feelings are totally normal for the circumstances.

    Still these emotions suck, no matter how appropriate they are. I'm with you on this, my productivity is still basically zero. And it is depressing.

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  4. my depression is pretty bad atm, and it feels like you describe. i hate that you're suffering it too. i wish i could make it better.

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