Thursday, December 30, 2010

third beta

It didn't double.

It was 862. I am scared.

Progesterone was 59.

The next beta is on Monday. These betas are killing me.

Monday seems so far away.

edited to add: I apologize for being such a freak lately- my emotions are just all over the place. I am going to try to keep the freaking out to a minimum (hah) and hope that it catches up for Monday's beta. I have a few posts in draft that are more substantial, but I just haven't been able to focus on them to get them out while this whole beta thing is going on. I didn't expect such a long series of them and it is totally throwing me off. Also, my apologies for the lack of commenting, I will try to get back on it soon, promise. Just know that I am reading and thinking about you guys.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

second beta

Yesterday's blood test was rescheduled for this morning because of massive amounts of snow.

beta #2 at 18 dpiui: 503. The nurse said that was good (doubling time 37.8 hours).

I was feeling good about it... until I started googling and am now worried about my beta numbers. Why the hell couldn't I have just stayed away from google? UGH.

*please God let everything be OK*

Thursday, December 23, 2010

first beta

beta: 57; progesterone was over 40. I am hoping those are good levels for 13 dpiui, but I am trying to stay away from google.

I am so happy and of course, so nervous. On Monday and Wednesday mornings I go for more blood work to make sure things are progressing as they should... please God let this be ok.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

the update

The digital went positive last night. I am in shock and feel kind of numb. I really don't think I believed all of the lines, so when the digital popped up "pregnant," I thought I was seeing things for at least 30 seconds.

The blood test is tomorrow at 9 AM. I will update again when I hear the results. Maybe this will settle in after the blood test.

Thank you for the thoughts and encouraging words- it means so much to me. Please know that I am cautiously excited and grateful.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

11 dpiui and we have spotting

not sure what is going on down there. after i saw the spotting this morning, i caved and tested. results: inconclusive.

two answers had light pink lines, didn't have to squint, but they were LIGHT, a CVS (blue dye) test had an obvious blue line, clear blue digital: NOT PREGNANT. all lines came up in way under 3 minutes.

this cycle has been so weird! despite the mixed results this morning, i am not freaking out. not excited, not negative... just "huh." i won't believe anything until i hear from the doctor on thursday morning.

Monday, December 20, 2010

10 dpiui and my resolve is weakening

My plan not to test before the blood test this Thursday is weakening. I am scared of a negative blood test the day before Christmas Eve, so I am thinking of easing myself into the negative by testing from tonight until Thursday. That way, I will handle the disappointment over a few days, rather than all at once.

I have no real expectations of a positive test, so I am like, "let's get this negative business over with."

Thoughts on waiting vs. testing early?

One thing I have stuck to this cycle: no symptom watching. Between the trigger and the progesterone suppositories, there is no point. Things have been much calmer on that front this time around.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

6 dpiui

Not much to report. Still feeling "meh" about this cycle. There is no urge to pee on stuff, which is such a blessing. At this point I don't think I will have a problem waiting until the blood test.

Sorry I haven't been commenting much lately- I have no words right now. It is so weird. I could talk to you about knitting, quilting, my cats, and poor productivity at work, but as for baby-cycling, I have nothing. My heart goes out to those struggling with disappointing and heartbreaking news and also to those newly pregnant, anxious IFers.

The more my own struggle goes on, the better I am with handling it, but it does not get easier necessarily. In fact, IF gets harder to deal with because it is complex, and at first, you are scared shitless, but it is just the tip of the iceberg. The longer the journey, the more heavy the burden to carry. I guess that is how I am feeling right now: weighed down and heavy. My focus is on getting to work, getting some (small) thing accomplished, and dragging myself home to get into bed.

Monday, December 13, 2010

2ww: 3dpiui

This is where we are... 3dpiui, which feels like nowhere. I am thankful to be here at all I guess, because as of last Wednesday and Thursday, it was possible that this cycle would be cancelled. Last week was a tough week, to say the least. In the end, after two days of coasting, there were two dominant/mature follicles.

But it's a new week, and while I can't promise to be positive, I can promise that I will stay as busy as possible. I am going to (try to) resist peeing on sticks until the blood test- which is all well and good for now, but as the days tick by, my resolve will weaken. I will be honest about cheating.

The blood test is on December 23 at 9:00 AM. Just in time for Christmas.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I have been a bad blogger lately. The truth is, I just don't have much to say that I haven't said before. I am in the middle of another cycle and will most likely have my third IUI on Friday. This time there is no excitement at all. I am dreading the holidays and dreading the negative test results that I feel sure will this cycle bring.

P wants me to try to be more hopefuly and positive, but for whatever reason right now, I just can't be. I have been keeping it to myself though, because when I am sad, he is sad, and that just makes me sadder.

I want to be one of the zen, positive, happy women who go through this with grace and hope until the positive test appears... although, I am not sure where I get that image from, because as far as I know I have never come across one.