Friday, December 30, 2011

going back to work

as i mentioned in my last post, i will be going back to work next thursday. this makes me nervous for a number of reasons: being away from her for 9 hour stretches, pumping at work, her not nursing all day, and being functional at work.

i have never been away from her for more than 4 hours. being at work all day, three days a week, both excites and scares me. i am looking forward to a return to adult conversations and lunches and using my brain... but not looking forward to missing the amazing new things she does every day while i am at work. i will also miss nursing her throughout the day.

at work i will have to pump in my office. my pump is not exactly quiet and it will probably sound like milking time at the farm to the adjoining offices and those passing by in the hall. anyone have any pumping at work advice or comments?

despite not getting more than a 5 hour stretch of sleep at a time for over 16 weeks now, i am at a point where i am used to the sleep deprivation and get things accomplished around the house. these things may be pathetically small, such as laundry, dishes, and bill paying, but they get done.

my fear is that work will be a different story. my job consists of sitting in front of a computer for 8+ hours writing and researching with almost no people interaction. the afternoon slump can be brutal some days... can only imagine how it will go with less than great sleep.

one more stressor: my scary flabby post baby midsection. how the hell do i get it into trousers? i am planning to wear spanks for the first few days, but those things make my ass sweat like whoa. guess it's time to start paying attention to my diet and working out (fitting those two things into my day, on top of work, pumping, breastfeeding, and childcare will be a breeze, i'm sure).

it's official. i am buying a powerball ticket and praying for a miracle.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

More pictures

2011 is drawing to a close and i feel the need to squeeze in a post or two.

first of all, baby updates: amelia is doing very well. breastfeeding got easier and easier with each passing week and at 16 weeks we are still going strong. over the past five or six days I have been giving her 2-4 ounces of formula once a day. P asked that we introduce it because he will be with her during the day while i am work (and i will be with her at night when he is a work). he was concerned that if he ran out of breast milk or had a freak breast milk accident, that he would be stuck with a screaming hungry baby and no way to feed her. the first two days she spit it out and acted like we were feeding her poison. the last three or so days she has taken without a problem.

as for sleeping, she has only slept through the night three times. usually she goes down between 9 and 10, wakes up at 4 am for a feed, and then goes down until 7:30 or 8. this is not a big deal, so i am not too worried about her sleeping through the night. she takes two to three 30 minute to 1.5 hour naps during the day, but only in her rock and play. she is not a fan of napping in the crib for some reason, but has no trouble being in the crib at night.

she has two teeth already! she started teething at 12 weeks! her bottom two teeth have cut through so far and i think she might be working on a top tooth or 2 because she has been gnawing on her hands and fingers again and drooling up a storm. the teething has been causing some sleep disruption, but nothing too terrible.

i am going back to work next thursday and am dreading it. i keep telling myself it will be good for me yadda yadda yadda... it doesn't help. being away from her for 8 hours a day, 3 days a week will be a hard adjustment. thankfully i can work from home 2 days a week, otherwise i would really be a wreck.

P is wonderful with the baby and is completely in love with her. some of my favorite moments over the past 4 months has been watching them interact. he is very intuitive with her and seems to know what she needs. i have learned a lot from him regarding soothing her because my soothing repertoire did not extend much beyond nursing her for a long time.

2011 was a good year for us. we are forever thankful for our baby girl. this time last year we were newly pregnant and in beta hell... too scared to allow ourselves to get too excited. sometimes i can't believe she is ours.

newborn photos:

i have more recent photos, but they are on my iphone. have to figure out how to post them here.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

breastfeeding update

so that 7 feedings in 24 hour thing only lasted three days. by thursday, she was back to 8 feedings, and on friday she ate 10 times. i called the nurse at the pediatrician on friday to calm my nerves and she reassured me that her poo and pee output was excellent and that she was fine. i knew she wasn't hungry because she was satisfied after every feeding and not fussy or crying, but the extra reassurance did the trick to put my fears to rest for now.

this baby is such a good baby. she eats, she sleeps, she poos and pees, and almost never cries (*knock on wood*). i forgot to mention HER HAIR in my last post. she has a full head of dark brown hair! we saw it in a 36 wk ultrasound. it was so cute floating in the amniotic fluid. from that ultrasound until i delivered her i could not wait to meet her and see all that hair.

i know i blogged about my weight briefly before, but i have been pretty overweight ever since law school... probably about 40 pounds from where i like to be. while pregnant, i tried my best to eat healthy and not to gain too much weight and managed to gain only 15 pounds. i have lost 20 pounds since delivery. hopefully this keeps up for a few weeks! my goals this week are to use the wii fit a little this week and to attend a breastfeeding group wednesday afternoon.

P goes back to work monday night and i am not looking forward to it. i think am.elia and i are ready, but we will miss him being with us all day and all night so much. he is so good with her and knows exactly how to soothe her and how to read her.

please excuse any mistakes... sleep deprivation big time.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

she's here!

Am.elia was born on September 6th at 4:14 PM. She weighed 7.6 lbs and was 21 inches long (but only 19 inches after her cone head went down, ha).

P and I are tired, but so, so happy and thankful. I am in the process of writing up the birth story and will get that up, probably in parts, soon.

We are doing well breastfeeding. She eats well and I produce a ton of milk, but I am still really awkward with the different holds. I have big b.oobs and haven't quite figured out the best position for us. Right now we either do the football hold on a stack of three pillows, or the cross cradle with the boppy. When using the boppy, I usually find myself hunched over her with an aching back. We will work it out, I am sure. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Also, she is not a textbook two to three hour feeder. She usually eats every three to four hours, with one or two feedings an hour apart in the evenings. If I try to feed her more often, she simply refuses to wake up, no matter what I do to wake her. It makes me really nervous when she only eats 7 times in a 24 hour period (according to all the breastfeeding literature, she should be eating 8-12 times). I try not to stress too much though, because she was at birth weight three days after she was born and poos and pees like crazy.

Other than these concerns, she is such an easy baby. She almost never cries (*knock on wood*), eats well, and sleeps between feedings. Oh, and she is super, super cute. (Pictures coming, I swear).

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

goings ons: new house, no baby yet

since my last, long ago blog post, P and I bought a house and moved! we did not purchase any of the aforementioned houses, but instead found a new construction townhouse a little bit south of our preferred area and did some mean negotiating! we lucked out because the builder was desperate for another sale before the end of the second quarter (end of June) and we were the only buyers on the line.

buying a house a moving while 7 months pregnant... i don't recommend it. i had lots of meltdowns after signing contract, while going through the mortgage process (torture), and before, during, and after closing. my anxiety levels went through the roof. it took me a good month of living in the house and getting the baby's room and kitchen in order before i calmed down and got used to the new surroundings.

all in all, i am glad we did it.

news on baby front:

i am 38 wks 5 days and still at work full-time. one of the perks of my job is being able to work from home two days a week and without that, i would be really miserable. dragging my large butt in here started getting tough last week and this morning i almost gave in and stayed home.

we had an ultrasound last tuesday to determine the approximate size of baby girl because of my high-ish prepregnancy bmi. she was estimated to be in the 46th percentile- not too big and not too small. the tech said she looked like she weighed 6 lbs 12 ounces, give or take a half pound either way. she said if i have her at/near my due date, baby girl should be around 8 to 8.5 lbs. i have only gained 13 pounds so far in this pregnancy and i swear most of it has been gained in the last two weeks due to becoming a carb monster all of a sudden.

overall, i have had a very easy pregnancy. about two weeks ago i stopped being able to sleep more than four hours a night and started needing to get up 4-7 times per night to pee... while i am tired and cranky, i have not minded... just very thankful.

although, to be honest, over the past two days, i have been inpatient for her to make an appearance. i want to see her and meet her and miss sleep because i am caring for her, not because i am an achy, peeing, cranky, carb monster.

we have decided to name her a.melia.

Monday, May 16, 2011


this past weekend was a productive one. on saturday, P and I looked at 10 houses. my sister and her fiance came along. they are interested in the process because they plan to buy a home before they get married next summer. they were blown away at the difference between the listing and the actual house. a house could look amazing in the listing, but could be a trash heap in person, and vice versa.

the longer we look at houses the less excited i get about buying one. we have seen 25 houses so far. i am not sure whether this a lot of houses to see, or if it is average, but it feels like only a few. there are so many variables with each property and style of house that it makes this process like trying to find a needle in a haystack. when we first began looking, i did not think that we were "picky" buyers. we just wanted something with 3 bedrooms and a garage and some amount of grassy backyard. turns out, we don't want water or mold in the basement, we do not want freight train tracks directly behind our backyard, or floors that have been peed on for years by beagles.

out of the ten houses we saw on saturday, we liked three. the first one was 20 minutes south of where we live now (a popular area in south jersey right outside of Philadelphia), and the other two were in the areas and school districts we want. the first one was a five year old townhouse. it was an end unit, so it had extra yard and windows. it was by far the most updated, spacious, and beautiful home we have seen so far, but the school district is meh. the second house was an adorable three bedroom cape cod with two car garage and cute yard, but right out back were freight train tracks. the third house was a three bedroom bungalow with original hardwood floors. it was immaculate and well taken care of, but the third bedroom was about the size of a walk-in closet.

more house discussion to come...

*** blogger ate the comments on my last post, so i copied and pasted them from my gmail and added them back in. i hope alex and cgd don't mind. i like going back over my posts and comments, so it is important to me to have them together.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

checking in

Some stuff:

  • i am currently 23 weeks 4 days and am feeling well. i have been very lucky with this pregnancy in so many ways.

  • anatomy scan went very well and we found out we are having a girl!!!

  • to reveal the gender we had a gender cake party: we had the ultrasound tech write the gender down and put it in the envelope, which my mom delivered to the baker with instructions to bake the inside of the cake pink or blue depending on the gender, and we cut it with our families. it was a great way to find out. i was completely shocked because i had been convinced the baby was a boy (for no reason at all, just a feeling).

  • started house hunting a month ago- fun and very frustrating. it has made us realize how much money we DON'T have. freaking student loans!

  • i have been feeling movement since 15 weeks. baby movement got much stronger and more regular in weeks 19-21.

  • have been slacking on housework, which i feel guilty about, but only sometimes.

  • not sure what to do with this blog. i am thinking about transitioning it into a life after infertility blog and focus on raising a new baby, natural pcos management, and crafting? probably too much to stuff into one blog.

  • i have been following my fellow if-ers, but have gotten really bad about commenting- probably for the same reason this blog has gone silent.

  • feeling incredibly grateful for how far i have come in this pregnancy and pray that it continues.

  • i also pray for the women who are still fighting to get pregnant.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

my lent goal of working out daily- not happening. i don't know why i even make such promises- i rarely follow through. the work goals i made for lent i have been following through on at least. lent work goal: do work at work. mind blowing, i know.

infertility not only killed my already slow metabolism, it killed my work ethic completely. i got in a horrible habit of reading blogs and researching fertility issues all day (and obsessing over my wacky charts) instead of working. i got stuff done, but it was not my usual production.

i thought once i got pregnant that things would go back to normal. not so much. infertility stress rolled over into beta hell stress and then first trimester stress. now, a few weeks into the second trimester (thank you god) i am not as stressed and have decided it is time to amp up the work production.

so far so good.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

fat tuesday

Lent starts tomorrow and instead of giving anything up, I am going to add something. I have not eaten many sweets or deserts since getting pregnant and can't eat pizza anymore. These things just do not taste good to me right now, which is awesome for obvious reasons. I am going to add at least 20 minutes of exercise to my day for Lent.

I started out this pregnancy about 40 pounds overweight. Fighting infertility for a little over a year, which included many months of (pointless) clomid and injectibles, not to mention sadness and lots of "eating my feelings" episodes, did not aid my quest to lose weight and get fit. A little confession: when I read posts/heard about women complaining about body image and weight while pregnant, I used to get all "pffffft, at least your pregnant, shut it, I will never feel that way because I will be so happy/grateful/excited/content."

To my former self: you were so wrong and insensitive (to be honest, I knew my thoughts were insensitive at the time, which is why I kept them to myself until now). Things that I never thought would bother me have been on my mind for the last few weeks. Although I have had almost no weight gain so far, I know it is coming. I will not have a cute "baby bump" at 20 weeks... maybe at 30 weeks it will all round out, but until then I will be... lumpy. This bothers me.

Not only do I have left-over angst at my body for not being able to ovulate without months of drugs, I have a much older angst: my amazing ability to retain and even gain weight when eating less calories than the average person. My RE explained that this is related to PCOS and the way my body processes sugars. He said to come back after the pregnancy and he would help me treat that part of my PCOS as well.

I have not worked out at all since before I went to my RE for the first time except for 30-60 minutes of moderate walking during lunch five days a week. My OB recommended adding some extra activity to help with weight gain in the coming months and said it would be fine to add 20-40 minutes of moderate exercise at this point, and increase as I want to, as long as I keep it moderate.

Anyone have any suggestions or advice? I am trying to decide between buying some prenatal videos (yoga, light aerobic, etc.) on or joining a cheap gym and just using the treadmill and elliptical.

side note: i am not trying to lose weight during pregnancy, i am just trying to remain as healthy as possible. my ob gave me a very modest weight gain goal based on my weight at the beginning of this pregnancy.

Monday, February 28, 2011

update: I am 13 weeks 1 day today. As far as symptoms go, I am still exhausted by five p.m., I have developed frequent headaches over the last two weeks, and have had a very sensitive gag reflex since about 8 weeks. Certain smells and hunger make me very queasy. Beyond that, I have been ok.

. . . . . . . . . .

I think I have lost my ability to blog. That ability was never so hot to begin with, and now, I feel even more awkward about putting my thoughts in this space. I think it is because I feel like an impostor in this pregnancy.

People tell me I am pregnant and ask how I am, and I know I have my second OB appointment tomorrow, but I don't feel it. I don't have much anxiety or fear, just a general feeling of "I'll believe it when I see it." My cousin, who had two miscarriages before she got her take-home baby, thinks that it is my way of protecting myself.

I fear that I am already a bad parent for feeling such distance from my pregnancy. I hope that as things progress and I start to look pregnant, that I will feel more attachment.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

yesterday (9w2d)

I had my last appointment with my RE, Dr. M.anara, and my first OB appointment! The RE did a final ultrasound, which was incredible. We saw the baby two weeks ago and it was a flashing tiny blob; yesterday, the baby looked like a baby. There were two arms and two legs and the arms and legs were moving. We were truly amazed. I didn't realize how nervous I had been about what was going on in there until after the ultrasound, when I cried tears of relief all the way home.

The OB appointment was boring in comparison: peed in a cup, gave blood, had a pelvic exam, discussed screening tests, and was told what foods to eat, etc. This appointment made me feel... pregnant.

After the OB appointment, I drove back to the RE's office to donate my left over Follistim. It felt good to give it away. It felt like I was really believing in this pregnancy. I hope and pray that women who otherwise could not afford injectibles get babies out of that box.

Monday, January 31, 2011

I am still here (random post)

I can't believe it has been so long since I last posted. I am still pregnant and seemingly healthy, thank god, so everything in that area is ok.

My Nana has been very ill from congestive heart failure for the last few weeks and P and I have been driving home as much as possible to sit with her in the hospital to give my Mom some time away from the hospital. In between all of that, we went to Florida for a five day getaway, which was much needed. I felt kind of guilty going away while my Nan was so sick, but we had planned the trip back in September and really didn't want to waste the airfare, etc. Florida is a short flight from NJ/PA, so we figured we could fly home on short notice if we needed to. Thankfully, that was not necessary. Nana has recovered some ground and is home from the hospital, for now.

Beyond all the travelling and visiting though, I guess I haven't had much to say on my blog. As excited and thankful as I am for this pregnancy, I still have trouble talking out loud about it to anyone but P. I swear I was never superstitious before this! My Mom was always superstitious about things, especially pregnancy, and I always thought she was crazy. Well, I guess I am a little crazy too.

Monday, January 10, 2011

first ultrasound

Everything went well this morning. There was a gestational sac and inside it there was a little flasher. P and I were amazed that we could see the little heartbeat. We saw it almost immediately. The baby measured 6w1d and the estimated due date is September 4th.

There was another shadow area that the tech measured that she said was questionable, but she said it was probably nothing. We go for a second ultrasound next Monday.

So far, the only symptoms I have been feeling are fatigue and constipation (lovely). I had one dizzy spell when I had gone too long without eating, but that is it. It is probably too early to call yet, but, I don't think I will have morning sickness. My Mom did not have it with any of her four pregnancies... but we will see I guess.

This is beginning to feel real.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

fifth beta

It was 5777; 51.64 hour doubling time. The doctor was very pleased with this week's betas. I feel the anxiety beginning to lessen. Maybe I can allow myself to settle into this pregnancy a bit.

The first ultrasound is scheduled for next Monday, when I will be 6w3d (it is so surreal to type that).

My feelings about this pregnancy so far are best described as cautious. Of course, I am happy, etc., but I was (stupidly) not anticipating this much stress about beta numbers.

... I really thought I could write about this, but, it turns out, I cannot. It is really hard for me to put things into words lately. Ugh. Hopefully after relaxing this upcoming weekend and NOT stressing about beta numbers I can get some of what I have been feeling into a coherent post.

Monday, January 3, 2011

fourth beta

It was 3033. I think the doubling time was 52 hours or something.

Thanks for the comments on my last post. The weekend was not that bad because I managed to not freak out. After freaking out all day Thursday and having myself convinced that the worst was coming, I decided enough was enough and I wasn't thinking about it until I heard the results from today. Surprisingly I was mostly successful in putting beta obsession aside.

There is yet another effing beta on Wednesday- of course I will update- and then hopefully I can start writing some real posts...