Monday, February 28, 2011

update: I am 13 weeks 1 day today. As far as symptoms go, I am still exhausted by five p.m., I have developed frequent headaches over the last two weeks, and have had a very sensitive gag reflex since about 8 weeks. Certain smells and hunger make me very queasy. Beyond that, I have been ok.

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I think I have lost my ability to blog. That ability was never so hot to begin with, and now, I feel even more awkward about putting my thoughts in this space. I think it is because I feel like an impostor in this pregnancy.

People tell me I am pregnant and ask how I am, and I know I have my second OB appointment tomorrow, but I don't feel it. I don't have much anxiety or fear, just a general feeling of "I'll believe it when I see it." My cousin, who had two miscarriages before she got her take-home baby, thinks that it is my way of protecting myself.

I fear that I am already a bad parent for feeling such distance from my pregnancy. I hope that as things progress and I start to look pregnant, that I will feel more attachment.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

yesterday (9w2d)

I had my last appointment with my RE, Dr. M.anara, and my first OB appointment! The RE did a final ultrasound, which was incredible. We saw the baby two weeks ago and it was a flashing tiny blob; yesterday, the baby looked like a baby. There were two arms and two legs and the arms and legs were moving. We were truly amazed. I didn't realize how nervous I had been about what was going on in there until after the ultrasound, when I cried tears of relief all the way home.

The OB appointment was boring in comparison: peed in a cup, gave blood, had a pelvic exam, discussed screening tests, and was told what foods to eat, etc. This appointment made me feel... pregnant.

After the OB appointment, I drove back to the RE's office to donate my left over Follistim. It felt good to give it away. It felt like I was really believing in this pregnancy. I hope and pray that women who otherwise could not afford injectibles get babies out of that box.