Wednesday, September 5, 2012

We are going back to the RE on October 9th for a consultation.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Thoughts on TTC no. 2

My thoughts regarding trying for a second baby are complicated and difficult for me to sort out.  I have been trying to write this post for a while, and it is not coming together the way I want it to, but I am putting it out there anyway in an effort to begin to sort through this issue.

A is 8.5 months old.  P has been asking me how long I will continue breastfeeding her.  At first I thought it was because he was tired of the nursing at night and lactating boobs, but it turns out he has no problem with those things.  Instead, he is excited to try for another baby and thinks that my period is being kept away by breastfeeding.  His argument is that we are not getting any younger and that it took us two years to get pregnant the last time, so we should get started already!  This conversation took place about two weeks ago. 

Since then, we have been having sex as usual in the limited amount of time we have together on the weekends (due to us working opposite shifts during the week).  On Saturday morning, P asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test recently.  I was surprised by this question and asked him why I would do that.  He thought we were "trying" and that it is possible I might be pregnant.  This admission made me happy and sad.  Happy because I love that he loves fatherhood and is so excited about another baby and sad because he seems to think getting pregnant again will be easier than the first time.

Apparently, he has listened to those who tell us that now that I have had one baby, that it "kicked my body into gear" and that it will know how to get pregnant this time.  I would love for this to be true, but this kind of thinking is dangerous for any of us who have sought treatment for fertility problems.  The hope that this statement creates scares me.  I don't want to get sucked into the cycling and the treatments like I did last time.  I am afraid it will make me sad, tired, and depressed, and therefore negatively impact my Amelia.  The problem is, I don't know how to TTC without the baggage.

Stupidly, I took a pregnancy test Saturday morning.  It was negative of course.  I threw it away without feeling sad, which was only possible because, despite P thinking we were trying, I am not there yet.  We are definitely not preventing, but we are not really trying because I know what it will take to try again:  a call to the reproductive endocrinologist.  For now, we have agreed to have this conversation again in the fall after A turns one.  Currently, I would like to wait until A is closer to 2 before going back to the RE.  I want to give my body a break from fertility medications and pregnancy.  I want to nurse my baby until she is ready to stop on her own.  As much as I want another baby, I will not let my fear force me to start sooner than my little family is ready.

Friday, May 18, 2012

in which i b*tch

stuff that sucks:
  • the new blogger does not agree with my work internet browser and i cannot upgrade it... so you know, on the random day i actually have time to blog, i won't be able to.  also, hey blogger, your iphone app SUCKS and i hate blogging with it.
  • my house looks like a herd of wild beasts tore it apart after a tornado blew through.  A is army-crawling everywhere and i am afraid she will fill up on fuzzies and crumbs before dinner ;)  also... she could get lost under an avalanche of dirty or clean (who knows which at this point) in any given bedroom. 
  • feuding with one of my coworkers.  the feud is technically over, but he now hates me and it wears on me.  the backstory is too long and dumb to go into.  short story:  he dates a co-worker.  the co-worker is (was?) my friend.  they fight all the time and bring that crap into the office.  they use to take turns running in and out of my office with their drama.  in the end, i got burned trying to straddle the line between listening to them and giving advice without taking sides.  i feel like such an idiot because i know better than to get involved in that crap.  i guess i thought we were all adults and friends and could handle it.  i was wong.  now, besides trying to get my work done between pumping and exhaustion, i get to have anxiety about sharing an office wall with someone who thought it was ok to repay me for my efforts by yelling at me in my office that he doesn't like me.  i feel so stupid to have misjudged this person.  he seemed like such a friendly, nice, albeit emotional, guy and i thought we were good friends.  this feels like a middle school betrayal throw-back. 
  • i turned 30 a few weeks ago.  i don't have a problem with being 30, but i have a problem with being involved in the above drama at this point in my life.  it makes me feel like some kind of a failure.  also, i missed out on a promotion while i was on maternity leave, which isn't helping either.  i envisioned myself to be beyond these petty insecurities by 30. 
  • P has been bringing up getting pregnant again, which i am all for... this really needs to be a separate post.  and it will be.  i vow to write this post by sunday night!!!
  • money is stressng me out lately.  we seem to be cutting it very close between paychecks.  i am my sister's maid of honor and have dropped major $ on the shower, gifts for two showers, dress and alterations, shoes, and bachelorette party.  aside from that, we booked a vacation this summer with family that needed to be prepaid, we are putting a deck on our house, and both of our cars need tires.  ahhhhhhhh!  time for a m.egamillions ticket.
ok.  petty b*tching over.  it feels good to get it out.  now, on to my day! 

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Recent baby picture

I haven't disappeared, just struggling with finding a balance in my week. For now, here's a pic of A, who turns eight months tomorrow:

Friday, March 23, 2012

baby sleep

you know that saying, "when mama's happy, everyone's happy"? i would like to amend that to: "when baby's happy (and sleeping), everyone's happy (and sleeping)." it's so ironic that just yesterday i said A had started sleeping better, because last night was not good. it took me close to an hour to get her to sleep, not including our whole night time routine. that is just the time i spent holding, rocking, patting, nursing, and jiggling her trying to get her little eyes to close and to stay closed when i set her precious little butt in the crib. she finally went down at 8:30. when i woke up to pee at 12:45, i was happy to see her still sound asleep. i was a little smug even, thinking to myself, "it's going to be amazing to be well-rested two days in a row!" HA!

P got home at 1:30 (he works nights) and she was still fast asleep. of course, i had been awake since 12:45 debating whether to dreamfeed her since i was awake anyway. P and i decided against it in favor of seeing how long she would sleep without a dreamfeed. BAM at 2 AM she is awake! i go in, check her diaper, and nurse her in the glider. we are gliding and nursing. i am doing my best to not fall asleep and let her roll off my boob. i realized that 30 minutes had gone by and she still had not passed out! i took the boob away, which she mildly protested by grunting and rooting and smacking me in the boob, and rocked her. and rocked her. and rocked her. at 3 AM P came in to give me a break, since i needed to get up for the day at 4:30. he could not get her to stay asleep either and determined her teeth were causing discomfort. after a half dose of tyl.enol and some more nursing, she was finally out. i slept for 40 minutes before my alarm went off and look like holy hell today.

so, in conclusion, it wasn't a terrible night. she didn't wake up six times or more like she had been before this week, but it was still tough to be up that long in the wee hours of the morning. A started out as a great sleeper. i had to wake her every 3 hours during the night until she was 2 months for feeds, and after 2 months, i got the ok from the pediatrician to let her go a 7 hour stretch. she slept for a 7 hour stretch most nights until she was 4 months old, when all hell broke loose and she decided sleeping for 1.5 hour stretches was more desirable. i have read a lot about 4 month sleep regressions, but 4 months also happened to be exactly when i returned to work. although i only work in the office three days, she noticed. smart little bugger.

aside from a few partial test nights after she turned 6 months and some short naps, A had not slept in her crib in her room all night until last Saturday night. before that, she was in a portacrib in our room. that first night went well. she woke up three times: once P rocked her back to sleep in less than 5 minutes and twice to nurse. she slept until 7:45 AM! Sunday night was even better with only two wake ups, and Monday and Tuesday night only one wake up to feed. she was definitely ready for her crib. she probably has been for a while, but i wasn't ready.

i loved having her arms length away from me all night and being able to pull her into bed with us whenever i wanted; however, she was waking frequently at night and P convinced me that we were waking her with our tossing and turning and his snoring. turns out, he was right, but i still miss having her so close at night. i definitely do not miss the frequent night wakings and have been much happier with more sleep! hopefully last night was a fluke and tonight i will be able to get some sleep. because sleep is awesome.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

welcome ICLW

this is my first ICLW since having A. it is time for me to come out of hibernation! i keep putting off posting because so much as happened since my last post, that i don't know where to start. this is just a crafty excuse i use to procrastinate and to cocoon myself away from the world. i use a similar excuse to avoid working out... usually "i'm too tired" or "there is not enough time" or "when i lose some weight i'll start" (the last one makes the least sense!). sadly, i also use these excuses to put off calling or seeing friends, getting my finances in order, and cleaning.

one of my goals for 2012 was to stop making excuses and to do what needs to be done, as well as to be more disciplined in general. so, here i am, jumping in! life has been good. A has started sleeping better again (a separate post), P is more rested and thus, less cranky, i am getting into a routine at work, and i am committed to getting more active. The nice weather and extra hours of sunlight has helped lift my spirits.

some stuff that has been on my mind and will be the topic of some upcoming posts: TTC #2, breastfeeding/weaning, sleep training, organizing and decluttering, and getting healthier.

background for ICLW visitors: P and i got married in September 2009. i stopped taking birth control a few months before the wedding because our plan was just to let things happen. for a long time, probably a few years, i had a feeling that getting pregnant would not be as simple as having sex with my husband/significant other. there would be years that i got my period once or twice, even on birth control. i had one or two annovulatory "periods" when i went off birth control and that was it. fast forward to April 2010: i went to the ob because i had not had a period in a long time. officially diagnosed with PCOS. i was given 50 mg of clomid. i think i used clomid for 5 months, with increasing doses, and i never ovulated. the last cycle of clomid was with my RE and involved a trigger shot (there was 23mm follicle that ended up being empty). next, we moved to injectible medication. i finally ovulated in november 2010 using follistim (with an ovidrel trigger). we did IUI that month = BFN. in december 2010, higher dose of follistim, 3 mature follicles (scary), triggered on december 10, IUI on december 11, and bfp on december 21.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Working is not happening right now, so it's time for a post. Things with baby girl are ever changing.

We started cloth diapering since my last post. It was goal of mine to start it when she was 4 weeks old... then 8... 10... and finally, when I had almost no maternity leave left, I pulled the trigger. Surprisingly, we both love it. I knew I would, but I wasn't so sure about P. Once he saw how soft the diapers were and how they did not make her little bum red, he was hooked too.

Breastfeeding is still happening, but is becoming more of a struggle for a couple of reasons. Pumping at work makes it difficult for me to maintain my usual level of productivity. Getting so little done compared with what I used to accomplish in an eight hour day makes me feel like a failure. I only pump twice because of that and stress that it will kill my supply. I am hoping that because I only work in the office three days a week, that it won't have that much of a negative effect. Also, I effing hate pumping. It feels uncomfortable, is sometimes painful, and makes my nipples so tender that I am back to using lanolin all the time.

Baby girl is so much more interested in her surroundings that she gets distracted easily when we're nursing. Sometimes I have to let her play for ten or fifteen minutes before trying again. This is fine except for when I am trying to work from home.

Despite the complaining, I still love bfing and am going to forge ahead. My goal used to be six months, but now that we are quickly approaching five months, I am extending it to nine months.

Sleep is still going well for the most part. She goes down for the night at eight and usually wakes once, sometimes twice, for a feeding and is up anywhere between six and seven. I am hoping she starts sleeping in just a little longer, until 7:30 or so. This would work better for P. He gets up with her Wednesday through Friday and doesn't get to sleep until 2 AM because he works nights.

*edited format... posting from my phone sucks.

Monday, January 2, 2012

• baby girl has been teething since 11 weeks. So far, she has three teeth that have broken through; two on the bottom and one on the top. She is working on another top tooth.

• lamps are very attractive to her. She loves talking to them and even makes lamp specific sounds.

• she has been sleeping very well since... well, always really (I know, we are very lucky). She gets up once a night for a feed, usually between 3 and 4:30, and goes back down until 7-8 AM. We are working on getting her to bed earlier than 9 PM and on extending her naps. Last night I tried to get her down by 8 PM, but she was not having it until 8:40 or so. Baby girl tends to be a cat napper and takes up to four 20-40 minutes a day. We have been working with her and have her taking two 1-1.5 hours naps and a third 40 minute nap. The problem is that she has trouble moving through her sleep cycles during the day. If I pick her up and hold her or rock her after she wakes from a short cat nap, I can usually get her to sleep for another hour by holding her on my chest for the remainder of her nap. Yesterday P got her to sleep for 1.75 hours in her playpen without having to hold her through the second half of her nap. He seems to be better at getting her to sleep than me. When she sees me, she just wants boob. The stupid books say that good naps mean good nighttime sleep and I have found that to be true.

• we have been using breast shields since Amelia was born because I have flat nipples. For weeks I have been trying to get her to latch without one and I think we are finally making progress. She has been feeding without a shield for at least 1/3 of each feeding for two days.

• P started the last four weeks of his paternity leave last Friday. His projects for the month are cloth diapers and cereal toward the end of the month.

• I am still feeling hot and cold about going back to work on Thursday. The anticipation of going back is probably worse than actually getting up and going will be... I hope.

• P got me an for Christmas and as much as I hate jumping on the trendy apple bandwagon, I admit that I love the stupid thing. The camera is great and it is super convenient to be able to take video and pictures and post them right to facebook or the blog or send them in text messages and emails.