Monday, May 21, 2012

Thoughts on TTC no. 2

My thoughts regarding trying for a second baby are complicated and difficult for me to sort out.  I have been trying to write this post for a while, and it is not coming together the way I want it to, but I am putting it out there anyway in an effort to begin to sort through this issue.

A is 8.5 months old.  P has been asking me how long I will continue breastfeeding her.  At first I thought it was because he was tired of the nursing at night and lactating boobs, but it turns out he has no problem with those things.  Instead, he is excited to try for another baby and thinks that my period is being kept away by breastfeeding.  His argument is that we are not getting any younger and that it took us two years to get pregnant the last time, so we should get started already!  This conversation took place about two weeks ago. 

Since then, we have been having sex as usual in the limited amount of time we have together on the weekends (due to us working opposite shifts during the week).  On Saturday morning, P asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test recently.  I was surprised by this question and asked him why I would do that.  He thought we were "trying" and that it is possible I might be pregnant.  This admission made me happy and sad.  Happy because I love that he loves fatherhood and is so excited about another baby and sad because he seems to think getting pregnant again will be easier than the first time.

Apparently, he has listened to those who tell us that now that I have had one baby, that it "kicked my body into gear" and that it will know how to get pregnant this time.  I would love for this to be true, but this kind of thinking is dangerous for any of us who have sought treatment for fertility problems.  The hope that this statement creates scares me.  I don't want to get sucked into the cycling and the treatments like I did last time.  I am afraid it will make me sad, tired, and depressed, and therefore negatively impact my Amelia.  The problem is, I don't know how to TTC without the baggage.

Stupidly, I took a pregnancy test Saturday morning.  It was negative of course.  I threw it away without feeling sad, which was only possible because, despite P thinking we were trying, I am not there yet.  We are definitely not preventing, but we are not really trying because I know what it will take to try again:  a call to the reproductive endocrinologist.  For now, we have agreed to have this conversation again in the fall after A turns one.  Currently, I would like to wait until A is closer to 2 before going back to the RE.  I want to give my body a break from fertility medications and pregnancy.  I want to nurse my baby until she is ready to stop on her own.  As much as I want another baby, I will not let my fear force me to start sooner than my little family is ready.

Friday, May 18, 2012

in which i b*tch

stuff that sucks:
  • the new blogger does not agree with my work internet browser and i cannot upgrade it... so you know, on the random day i actually have time to blog, i won't be able to.  also, hey blogger, your iphone app SUCKS and i hate blogging with it.
  • my house looks like a herd of wild beasts tore it apart after a tornado blew through.  A is army-crawling everywhere and i am afraid she will fill up on fuzzies and crumbs before dinner ;)  also... she could get lost under an avalanche of dirty or clean (who knows which at this point) in any given bedroom. 
  • feuding with one of my coworkers.  the feud is technically over, but he now hates me and it wears on me.  the backstory is too long and dumb to go into.  short story:  he dates a co-worker.  the co-worker is (was?) my friend.  they fight all the time and bring that crap into the office.  they use to take turns running in and out of my office with their drama.  in the end, i got burned trying to straddle the line between listening to them and giving advice without taking sides.  i feel like such an idiot because i know better than to get involved in that crap.  i guess i thought we were all adults and friends and could handle it.  i was wong.  now, besides trying to get my work done between pumping and exhaustion, i get to have anxiety about sharing an office wall with someone who thought it was ok to repay me for my efforts by yelling at me in my office that he doesn't like me.  i feel so stupid to have misjudged this person.  he seemed like such a friendly, nice, albeit emotional, guy and i thought we were good friends.  this feels like a middle school betrayal throw-back. 
  • i turned 30 a few weeks ago.  i don't have a problem with being 30, but i have a problem with being involved in the above drama at this point in my life.  it makes me feel like some kind of a failure.  also, i missed out on a promotion while i was on maternity leave, which isn't helping either.  i envisioned myself to be beyond these petty insecurities by 30. 
  • P has been bringing up getting pregnant again, which i am all for... this really needs to be a separate post.  and it will be.  i vow to write this post by sunday night!!!
  • money is stressng me out lately.  we seem to be cutting it very close between paychecks.  i am my sister's maid of honor and have dropped major $ on the shower, gifts for two showers, dress and alterations, shoes, and bachelorette party.  aside from that, we booked a vacation this summer with family that needed to be prepaid, we are putting a deck on our house, and both of our cars need tires.  ahhhhhhhh!  time for a m.egamillions ticket.
ok.  petty b*tching over.  it feels good to get it out.  now, on to my day! 

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Recent baby picture

I haven't disappeared, just struggling with finding a balance in my week. For now, here's a pic of A, who turns eight months tomorrow: