Monday, May 21, 2012

Thoughts on TTC no. 2

My thoughts regarding trying for a second baby are complicated and difficult for me to sort out.  I have been trying to write this post for a while, and it is not coming together the way I want it to, but I am putting it out there anyway in an effort to begin to sort through this issue.

A is 8.5 months old.  P has been asking me how long I will continue breastfeeding her.  At first I thought it was because he was tired of the nursing at night and lactating boobs, but it turns out he has no problem with those things.  Instead, he is excited to try for another baby and thinks that my period is being kept away by breastfeeding.  His argument is that we are not getting any younger and that it took us two years to get pregnant the last time, so we should get started already!  This conversation took place about two weeks ago. 

Since then, we have been having sex as usual in the limited amount of time we have together on the weekends (due to us working opposite shifts during the week).  On Saturday morning, P asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test recently.  I was surprised by this question and asked him why I would do that.  He thought we were "trying" and that it is possible I might be pregnant.  This admission made me happy and sad.  Happy because I love that he loves fatherhood and is so excited about another baby and sad because he seems to think getting pregnant again will be easier than the first time.

Apparently, he has listened to those who tell us that now that I have had one baby, that it "kicked my body into gear" and that it will know how to get pregnant this time.  I would love for this to be true, but this kind of thinking is dangerous for any of us who have sought treatment for fertility problems.  The hope that this statement creates scares me.  I don't want to get sucked into the cycling and the treatments like I did last time.  I am afraid it will make me sad, tired, and depressed, and therefore negatively impact my Amelia.  The problem is, I don't know how to TTC without the baggage.

Stupidly, I took a pregnancy test Saturday morning.  It was negative of course.  I threw it away without feeling sad, which was only possible because, despite P thinking we were trying, I am not there yet.  We are definitely not preventing, but we are not really trying because I know what it will take to try again:  a call to the reproductive endocrinologist.  For now, we have agreed to have this conversation again in the fall after A turns one.  Currently, I would like to wait until A is closer to 2 before going back to the RE.  I want to give my body a break from fertility medications and pregnancy.  I want to nurse my baby until she is ready to stop on her own.  As much as I want another baby, I will not let my fear force me to start sooner than my little family is ready.

4 comments:

  1. This is something that SO many of us feel. Stella is only 5 1/2 months old, and my hubby just started asking the same questions. EEK! I'm just not ready for that yet. I'm so afraid of getting back into that negative head space that TTC sucked me into last time. *SIGH* I think it's a great idea that you're waiting until you're ready!

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  2. Granted, I'm 6 days post partum, but tears streamed from my eyes as I read this post. Why does it have to be so hard? I'm so sorry - I wish the pain would go away with one baby!

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  3. "I don't know how to TTC without the baggage." Yes! So true! I also don't want to start this process again, because it sucked so much, and I don't want that suckiness to be part of my life right now! But I view it slightly differently - I want the TTC part of my life to be completely done. I hated that part of my life, but I don't want it looming in the future either. And so it begins... Trying for #2. Ugh!

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  4. I absolutely know how you're feeling. I've been thinking more and more about TTC#2 now that mine is nearing the 1 year mark (11 months tomorrow!). I don't quite feel ready to go there just yet (and we don't plan to quiiiite yet) but I know it's out there. And just seeing it on the horizon, even if it's currently a little speck is stressful enough...

    And I admit to having taken 2 HPTs over the past few weeks, just in case, because even though my period is still MIA, the boy's got it in my head that there's a chance...

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